Screamfest 2010

11 Jan

Every mom has a “THAT MOM” moment. You know what I mean. Your toddler is crying to get out of the grocery cart, you reluctantly let her and she promptly goes ape @#$% and knocks over the first 5 displays she can get her hands on.  Or you’re in a restaurant, and your two-year old thinks its funny to REPEATEDLY throw food at the bald spot of the guy sitting in the booth in front of you.  Or you tell them to “wait right here” while you go take a pee. You have been holding it for 4 1/2 hours and instead of doing as told, they somehow know your pants are at your ankles and you re midstream and they run into every stall and flush the other filth ridden toilets consecutively with their bare hands.  You loose it. You scream like you’ve just broke out of the insane asylum. You’re flying over the cuckoos nest.  You’re toast.  You’re THAT MOM. (“Did you see THAT MOM? Did you hear THAT MOM?” etc. )

Well, from the files of ‘THAT MOM’ let me tell you about a little incident that happened to me. On the patience -o- meter, I read about an 8 (10 being the highest) on most normal (snort!) days. My little darlings are scrappy little bruisers who like to toy with me to see how far they can get, and on this particular day, they were in full force nuclear melt down mode. We ran an errand that morning only to have them scream, fight and pull hair  non stop. It wasnt pretty. As we pull up to my daughters preschool, I found myself in maximum auditory stimulation mode. Imagination Movers CD blaring(by demand) …….one child(Darla) screaming that she lost her headband and wont look like a girly girl. The other child (Lilah) got annoyed at the screaming, also probably maxed in the auditory department, and decided to chuck her wet, savings bank obtained lolly pop right at her sisters hair. And it stuck. Grrrrreat.

Chaos. Screaming from both parties, one screamed, the other screamed louder. I threatened, I screamed over them, I whispered, in hopes they would care enough about what I was saying to shut up and listen. Nope. Finally I am begging and pleading with them out of sheer desperation to preserve what little shred of sanity I have left. Nope.  I can barely drive, the noise is killing me. I wish the Imagination Movers a slow painful death,  pull up into the parking space, get out and yank open the door that the loudest one is sitting near. The noise coming from the car is enough to turn heads. I can feel the eyes on us…..and just then…….it happened. A beer can rolled out…….. ggggreat.  The pre-school moms recoiled and glared at me as if I smelled like a giant fart.

Now in my defense, let me stop and say my husband and I went to a concert together the week before, and got crazy and decided to “tailgate” in the parking lot of the train station. It was fun to pretend (for a 1/2 hour) that we were unencumbered, young, cool, and having fun as we sat and drank our beers in the front seat. As we tossed them in the back of our “neat-o” 2004 Honda Mini-Van (aka ‘The Looser Cruiser’), I made a mental note to remember to bring them in and toss them in the trash when we got home. Can you see where this is going? 6 hours, a few drinks later I forgot, and they got lost under a sea of toys and books. Yeah.

So when birthday party invite time came, my daughter asked to invite her class.  After being THAT MOM  I wasnt so sure that was a good idea, but then the wheels started turning and I figured that perhaps this was a shot at redemption…..you know, impress them with my super sonic hostess skills and….. well, based on previous events its obvious I know how to …um…party (nervous smile).  So , there was the birth of SCREAMFEST.  You take 22 kids, 40 adults, 3 dozen balloons, a pinata, a FUNBUS, 15 pizzas and a half-dozen stinky diapers (yeah, that part I didnt plan)  and we are bound to impress, right? So for anyone wondering why I did not hold the party at one of those kid friendly play place with the barely edible pizza and nose level that goes into sonic decibels, there is your answer: A shot at redemption.

Leading up to the big day, I ran around crazy all week and dictating different jobs to various members of the family, save for the two little ungrateful pint-sized honorary guest, whose idea of “helping” meant sucking on the streamers and hiding balloons down their underwear proclaiming heart attack material such as  “Look, I’m pregnant!” Balloons were blown, streamers hung, music cued (Wizard of Oz themed soundtrack), tables set, and soon enough it was showtime! I really tried to give it my best shot, as I knew judgmental eyes would be scrutinizing, after the unfortunate incident  (Dont look at me like that bitches, it was after all, IMPORTED beer).  Anywho, the bus pulled up, the kids went wild, and off they went. It was GREAT, we parents were able to relax and  were free to sit and chat in the house, as the attendants kept the kids busy on the bus with games, jumping, gymnastics, parachutes etc. The moms were smiling and complimenting my taste in decor, the hard work I put into the party, and how brave I was to have them all at my home.  Things were going good, and I was getting my June Cleaver on. The kids loved it, and  came off the bus smiling, – exhausted, but still really loud. The attendant looked whipped, and her bus smelled like someone had a “code brown” (dirty diaper)  so she got a nice fat tip from us, and off she went. For a second I felt my body lurch forward as she pulled out fo the driveway tempted to run after her yelling “pleazzze, don’t leave me with them….” Instead, I pulled up my big girl panties, remembered the beer can, and  slapped on my smile as we went inside for pizza, cake and pinata.  It was quiet….their mouths were chewing…….for all of 7 minutes, and chaos ensued again. Run in circles, knock over lamp, jump on furniture,  sing(loudly) , dash upstairs, down stairs, repeat. Headache? You betcha. Still smiling? Ear to ear.

The eventually party wound down and children started to leave.  Just when I stood there proudly, looking at my carefully placed party decor, patting myself on the back for the genius of booking the FUNBUS, and admiring the sweet little  goodie bags I made, I realize I hear my daughter upstairs teaching her preschool friends  how to sing ” I want to Poop Your Pants” to the tune of The Beatles “I Want to Hold Your Hand”.

Redemption? I think not.

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23 Responses to “Screamfest 2010”

  1. meleah rebeccah January 11, 2011 at 11:54 pm #

    OMG! I have definitely been “THAT MOM”! Thank you for making me laugh the whole time I read this blog post!

    PS: Kenny Schultz referred me over here – and I am SO glad that he did. And, I will certainly be back.

    • Christine R. January 12, 2011 at 12:04 am #

      Thanks M. I will be checking out yours as well!

  2. jeanne January 12, 2011 at 12:50 am #

    Love it… I enjoyed reading it all… Better you then me… think I am too old for that…
    I am dreading having 12, 13/14 year old girls over my house for a sleep over in 3 weeks… UGH.

  3. Tammie January 12, 2011 at 5:58 am #

    Welcome to the blog-o-sphere! Great job! I love the way WordPress allows comments to be threaded, too.

  4. Lori January 12, 2011 at 6:14 am #

    Hi Christine!
    That was awesome!! Sooo true!! We all try to put our smiles on but those crazy days have to happen to everyone or at least I had hoped I wasn’t the only one. Now I know I’m not! 🙂

  5. Jsutina Anastasi January 12, 2011 at 10:52 am #

    I am so proud of you!

  6. Allison January 12, 2011 at 10:53 am #

    You are hilarious, Christine! I’m thrilled you started a blog and can’t wait to follow along on your wild ride!

  7. Teri January 12, 2011 at 11:14 am #

    Oh Boy, does this sound familiar. Lol, Thank you for posting this…

  8. Jill January 12, 2011 at 11:22 am #

    Awesome job Christine! Loved it!! Cannot wait to read more!

  9. Cara January 12, 2011 at 11:35 am #

    lol… we have all had our “that mom” moments… but this one was great!! keep blogging!! and PS… they are beautiful terrors!! lol

  10. Chris January 12, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

    Great post! I look forward to reading more. You are our generation’s Erma Bombeck.

  11. cam January 12, 2011 at 12:50 pm #

    hysterical!
    you look calm cool and collected (not to mention beautiful) with your girls. from my perspective, you seem like “that mom” who has it all together and perfect!

    • Darlene January 13, 2011 at 11:05 am #

      She is… but she won’t admit it!!!

  12. liz delcasale January 12, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

    Love the beer falling out of the car – we must hand out! I won’t be one of those moms judging anyone! Love it – keep writing!

  13. stefanie martin January 12, 2011 at 8:35 pm #

    What a great blog I think we All have felt like that.what a great blog

  14. Alli January 12, 2011 at 8:42 pm #

    Awesome! Although I wouldn’t of judged you about the beer… I would of been the mom running over and chugging the beer with you! We all need a break sometimes! Great blog! 🙂
    Alli– Mom of Carter, age 3

  15. Robyn January 13, 2011 at 8:52 am #

    Christine, Hubby and I were watching Carrie Fisher’s Wishful Drinking one-woman-show last night and something she said made me thing of you…..
    “If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true.”
    There was a footnote that eventually things are funny, not necessarily immediately. But I thought of you and your ability to laugh at yourself and how wonderful that can be. don’t loose that.

  16. msdove89 January 13, 2011 at 11:18 am #

    Great blog, Christine! Love it!!!!!

  17. Dawn January 14, 2011 at 9:53 am #

    Christine – you are a freakin riot!! I luuuuv reading your postings and now this blog. Keep it up sista – you keep us all entertained and anyone that tells you that similar stuff has never happened to them – is LYING!!!! Luv ya girl!!

  18. Maria March 10, 2011 at 4:23 pm #

    Totally missed the beer can falling out at school. If I had seen it I would actually looked at you enviously 🙂 You are an amazing mom and hostess! Kids are still talking about the Fun Bus…It was all worth it! Think we could get a group rate for The Fun Bus and he could drive them all to school????

    • livelaughloveliquor March 10, 2011 at 7:15 pm #

      Thanks Maria….glad you missed that little doozie. LOL. OMG, the FUNBUS to drive them to school would sooo be worth it, LOL!

  19. Megan September 15, 2011 at 9:49 pm #

    Love this! Wish we had such a thing as a Fun Bus in our area. You’ve got quite a talent with comedy/writing!

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