Sex And the Pity

18 Jan

I recently read a survey done by the folks at Durex, which stated that married Americans  had sex approx. 2 x  a week on average. Twice a week. Twice, in one week.  TWO TIMES in one week. I couldn’t believe it. Now, I’m normally not prone to jealous bouts, I like who I am and am happy with what I have, but I have to say, those statics had me on the floor sobbing in envy.

As I ached in self-pity, I started to wonder….do these married people have children? If so, do they drug them? Time? Energy? So many questions…..I’m floored.  I don’t get it. I love my husband, I really do. To me, he is sexy and sweet, and yes, I’m still hot for him. And even though I got a little (gulp) more junk in the trunk  than I did when he married me, he always tells me he loves me, that I still light his fire, yada yada yada.  However, twice a week? No way. We start off strong – plenty of locker room talk during dinner to the tune of  “Oh, you’re going to get it tonight”  or a grope there, cheap feel here, but by the time the little darlings are in bed, the sex machine has run out of gas. Your “mojo-meter” is reading below zero.  Never mind the fact that we are both  half comatose, slack-jawed with drool dangling off our lips, (not sexy) and  exhausted by night’s end.  It’s also a game a Russian Roulette as to who will come into our bed at night with a bad dream and bust up our little party. Trust me, it’s really not fun to explain to a screaming 3-year-old why daddy was trying to  “swim” on mommy. WTF? (And I mean that literally) I mean, you love your kids and all, but  all you want to do is throw the little cock blocker back in their room and get back to business….. Not gonna happen.

With young children in the house, it is oh so much more than just the simple art of making love to your spouse whenever you feel like it. Gone are the passionate days of lingering in bed entangled together with romance on your mind. Spontaneity? Fuhgettaboutit. It has to be coordinated, plotted, and schemed. Even for a “quickie” there are bribes & planning involved, as in, lock them in the play room with a Hannah Montana DVD (forbidden) with a bag of M&Ms (also Forbidden) and I will meet you in the master bedroom in 3 minutes. And from there you know you have maybe 20 minutes max, before the little jail birds are banging on the locked doorway gate to get out. The clock is ticking, hustle, hustle, my dear, hustle hustle.  And, uh, God freaking forbid you are out of M&M’s.

A married couple with small children can never really 100 percent lose themselves in the act either, as one ear has to be open for crashes. Was that the sound of a golf ball being thrown thru the window? Colossal catastrophes,  epic fights, Barbie dolls being bashed over heads, attempted  stabbings with a TAG reader, etc. its all part of the “fun” . In addition there are other her interruptions (“mooooommmmy, I have to go poopy RIGHT NOW” ) which only occur while you are otherwise engaged.  Dirty talk consists of  “keep it down, you’ll wake the kids”.   Sex toys?, Nope. Unless you consider earplugs  ( inserted in the ears, that is)  a sexual enhancement. ( nothing says erectile dysfunction better than Hannah Montana music coming from the playroom.) Sex Toys are out of the question. Trust me on this one my friends, the first time during playgroup your little angel finds your vibrator under your bed and announces that she just discovered a new (buzzing) princess wand, you learn real quick that you re just better off with out.

I know, I know. Someday soon, they will be gone, and we can have all the champagne, french ticklers, and Issac Hayes music we can handle,  blah blah blah. In the meantime, when my husband walks thru the door with a Jumbo bag of M & M’s, I consider it foreplay, and take what I can get.

The bottom line? I should have had more sex when I was single. Even more when I was married before we had the little ones. I should have @#%$%ed the brains out of  every single guy I ever dated and never looked back.  I should have ignored memories of the  Catholic nuns voices echoing in my head whispering about black marks on my soul.  I should have laughed at my mother’s  mantra “No one will buy the milk if the cow is free”….(was my mother calling me a COW??? hmmmm….).My husband and I should have taken full advantage of those lazy kid free days and booked our trip to Hedonism while we had the chance.  Because the way I see it, that would be the only way I’d ever make up for the curb of 2 x a week.

What a pity.

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34 Responses to “Sex And the Pity”

  1. Jeanne January 18, 2011 at 10:37 pm #

    My dear Christine, it will happen again when they are a bit older and you are not so much in demand anymore.

  2. Georgia January 18, 2011 at 10:48 pm #

    People LIE! I call bullshit on 2X a week.

  3. Alli January 18, 2011 at 11:20 pm #

    haha that’s so true!

  4. Dawn January 19, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    You need to save these and compile them into a book. You’ll be a millionaire momma. Sooooo funny and sooooo true!! Can’t wait for your next entry.

  5. michelle January 19, 2011 at 9:33 am #

    I can imagine how frustrated u must be….the forties for women is a sexy time…we are in our prime girl!. And to have a husband in your face everyday that you are still attrracted to and he’s teasing you?. Damn I get excited when the wind blows…!!

    • Christine R. January 19, 2011 at 8:09 pm #

      LOL! I am so tired its hard to even feel the wind blow somedays!

  6. cc1112 January 19, 2011 at 9:45 am #

    Christine! it is christy aka ccny aka ccp aka crazy mom of three 🙂

    you crack me up girl so glad you are sharing your wit with us 🙂

    • Christine R. January 19, 2011 at 8:10 pm #

      Hello fellow crazy! Thanks! Glad youre reading! Love ya!

  7. John January 19, 2011 at 10:15 am #

    Christine, You need to change something about your/your kids schedules. Intamacy is an absolute vital part of your relationship…without it, it will die. I say this from experience. The second time around I have learned my lesson. We have 4 kids in the house…FOUR…that range in ages of 6 to 16. And twice a week? We average about once a day!!! so when you factor in unforseen problems, That time of the months, “disagreements” and other things that “block” us throughout the month…there are some days that are 2 or 3 times. And I’m not talking quickies…most include foreplay, multiples and at least a minute or two of snuggle-time. No, I’m not bragging…just letting you know that it is possible when you put it as a priority in your life and relationship. Suggestions are; put the kids to bed earlier, have them wind down after dinner and have them in bed before you are exhausted. Mandate a certain time each night (say 9pm) where you are “done”. No more chores, no laundry, no dishes, nothing but time for you and your husband. Make sure the kids know that when Mommy and daddy areclosed after 9, Get a really good lock for your BR door. Think of some other areas where you can make improvments in your evening schedule….Another GREAT suggestion is the “5am wake-up”.
    Don’t put it off, you may lose more than a sex-life.

    • Christine R. January 19, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

      Good advice John. Youre right in many ways ! Thanks for reading and you suggestions…….now I have to show this to my husband!

  8. meleah rebeccah January 19, 2011 at 2:38 pm #

    Oh yes, a bag of M& M totally *counts* as foreplay.

  9. Christine R. January 19, 2011 at 8:12 pm #

    and vodka bacon and cheese too? right? wink wink. thanks Meleah! xoxo

    • meleah rebeccah January 20, 2011 at 1:14 pm #

      and vodka bacon and cheese – MOST DEFINITELY!

      • livelaughloveliquor January 20, 2011 at 6:03 pm #

        have you tried choc. dipped bacon? two recent cooking/home mags featured a recipe, using thick sliced bacon and dark chocolate. I’m tempted, girlfriend!
        p.s. I see you have chromes….me too. sucks, eh?

      • livelaughloveliquor January 21, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

        have you tried choc. dipped bacon? two recent cooking/home mags featured a recipe, using thick sliced bacon and dark chocolate. …I’m Tempted!!!

  10. Chris Redding January 19, 2011 at 8:24 pm #

    Your girls are old enough to begin setting boundaries. When they were younger you couldn’t. I have the bleeding or on fire rule.
    I don’t have to use it anymore, but when they were younger I did. They cannot bother me unless they are bleeding or on fire.
    It worked for many situations.

    • Christine R. January 19, 2011 at 8:28 pm #

      Love it – bleeding or fire! Awesome. thanks for reading Chris!

  11. KathyG January 19, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

    Christine, I can SO relate to this post. By the time I am finally done in the evening, I am DONE. It’s so hard to work up the motivation for anything with hubby…even when I woke up in the morning wanting a little something-something! Two times a week would be nice, but I’m happy if it happens once a week.

  12. Kahla January 19, 2011 at 9:27 pm #

    I’m right there with you girlfriend! 2 weeks? Wow, I can’t even remember the last time we were hitting those stats!

  13. Sharon January 20, 2011 at 2:06 pm #

    Keep that survey from chris… all i will here is SEE…SEE!!! but your view is right on the money. sexus-inter-ruptus…

  14. Annette January 20, 2011 at 11:19 pm #

    Poor Christine (and Henry) .. it’s really bad when she has to go into her phonebooth (powder room) to chat with me for a minute…and the whole time Lila is keeping a steady beat going on the door… Sex? I can’t imagine it going on in that house .. not for a second!

  15. cara January 21, 2011 at 11:48 pm #

    .. Im speechless.. lol.. Thats allI can say right now… lol…

  16. justina January 25, 2011 at 11:07 pm #

    …”throw the little cock blocker back in her room”…that sounds like a chapter title in your book, just classic. Just think of this time as field research. WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE.

  17. ImFromJersey February 6, 2011 at 5:03 pm #

    Could be worse – your kids could be twenty somethings and still living at home, where all the bedrooms are in the same part of the house. We survived the early years with bathroom quickies, bribes, and having them spend a LOT of time with Grandma and Grandpa.

    Great blog, been laughing the whole time I’ve been reading it!

    • livelaughloveliquor February 6, 2011 at 5:54 pm #

      Thank you, I’ve enjoyed yours too! I have 2 teens as well, so I am sure that stage will happen in the next few years as well. Its sheer chaos here on most days, regardless. LOL. Thanks for reading!

  18. Reclaimed Sanity @ MyTwoTims February 7, 2011 at 11:23 am #

    Just the other day I was wondering what the hell happened to the everyday nookie that me and hunky hubby used to have… I must’ve been drinking, because of COURSE it was the birth of my own “little cock blocker”. Not only am I too tired most of the time by the time my head hits the bed, but I can’t even hardly drag myself out of bed in the AM, much less muster up the effort for a 5am wake up call…

    The last time I found myself on the floor of my walk in closet with my face pressed up against the door, catching an “intimate moment” (HA… ever tried intimate moment with your face smashed into the dirty clothes?!?) I just thought, somethings gotta change…

    Great post!

    • livelaughloveliquor February 7, 2011 at 1:03 pm #

      As a matter of fact, have tried the closet floor too, LOL. It was one of those “you just go honey, dont worry about me” because there was NO WAY it was gonna happen like that! sigh……

  19. Pilar February 13, 2011 at 4:40 am #

    awesome post, loved every bit of it, and all so true 🙂

  20. Heather April 11, 2011 at 4:59 pm #

    This is so funny! I could have written some of it especially the “good intentions” part. That stat is total BS!

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