Dental….DAMN!

1 Feb

Usually combining two good things equals one better thing . For example,  Peanut butter +  Jelly = a yummy sang-which.  Peas +  Carrots = a tasty side dish.  So why did the reverse not occur to me when I went to take the kids to the dentist with me?  Kids + Dentist = Suicidal tendencies.  Or maybe its homicidal…..either way,  You’ll regret it. I am here to bear witness, my friends, that two pain in the ass things, = one very LARGE headache.

The Dentist:   It was time for me to go, and I knew the little ones really needed to go see the old guy too.  Instead of booking my visit ALONE, and having the love of my life, Henry, (my husband) watch the kiddies, I get the brilliant idea of all of us going all at once.

What was I thinking? No one likes it, even those who don’t hate it, it’s still a huge PITA. Poked, prodded, God damned Dentist’s hands so far in your mouth, you’d think he was tickling your freakin ovaries.  The sharp instruments, the lectures about how your brushing too hard or not flossing enough, etc. That stuff is all stressful enough, add two pint sized divas to the mix, and how did I ever think this would be a good idea?

It was hard enough just getting to the car. We have a lovely 2 car garage, however its packed with a bunch of lovely junk we rarely use, so we had to dodge the ice and snow to get to the looser cruiser. The little one insists on walking “self” (meaning no hand holding) and naturally slips, sliding like an olympian gymnasts doing a split. She can’t make it all the way down, so she just topples over to one side, and lands in the snow bank.  She is wet, crying and pissed off.  She wont get up, and i see a tantrum brewing, like a tornado on the horizon of a hot desert prairie.  I promise her a Hershey kiss if she gets  in the car.  This seems to calm the beast, if momentarily. Naturally she make a bee line for the 3rd row seating of the van, a place beyond the girth of my ever-growing ass.  I look at the clock, and we are (naturally) running late.  I cram my fat ass up and over the 2nd row, hunching down and huffing and puffing I pull her into the car seat.  She naturally does the “stiff as a board routine”  which make the car seat hard to strap.  Sweat drips off me already.I curse my fat hind quarters. The little one is wailing, her shrieks like a witches curse being cast upon me.  One down one to go. I look over at the big one , and see she is licking a snow bank.  Gross. “Get in the car!”  I say. She makes a face, throws some snow at me, and climbs in.

The drive is stressful, they make me sing the Wizard of Oz Soundtrack . I know what you are thinking “Take charge,  just tell them No‘”. Well, friends, it’s either sing or be screeched at, so I’ll take the singing, thank you very much.  The roads are slippery my voice is cracking, but we make it there none the less.  As I unstrap the car seat, I notice that the little one has bribery chocolate all over her face. It’s actually looks like she just ate a shit  sandwich, its spread over the lips, and smeared on her little teeth.  Perhaps not the best choice to give a child before a 9 am dental appointment.

We go in, and decide I will go first, so they can watch. I settle in the chair, answer the usual questions about any change in my health status blah blah blah. The kids sit behind us, and open the pile of toys books, etc. I brought with us. The hygenist is busy mutilating my gums with her mini ice pick. The big one is grilling me at the top of her lungs  “MOMMY DOES THAT HURT? WHAT IS SHE DOING? WHAT IS THAT IN YOUR MOUTH?”  Its the dental version of the Spanish Inquisition. I know she is looking at me so I just slap a smile on, or as much of a demented smile as you can have with someone’s hands in your mouth and exclaim “Noooo, it doesn’t hurt, this is FUN”  (which sounds more like “Ohh, his oesnt urt his un”). The little one, seeing me reclined in the chair, seizes the opportunity to get back at me for forcing her in her car seat earlier, and pulls my hair, which is dangling off the headrest. YANK  She laughs. the big one laughs too. It’s not so %$#ing funny to me. “Ah-ight, irls, ats enout” ( Translation: “Alright girls, that’s enough” I mumble. Clearly, they don’t understand, so it goes on for another 10 minutes. They are quiet for 2 minutes and The big one shouts “Mom….Lilah is taking off her clothes…” The little one starts chanting “NAKED! NAKED!” > I turn and see her shirt pulled up over her head and dangling on her arms. “Thats enough, come sit on my lap”  I tell her. She does, surprisingly agreeable.

The hygenist is done, tells me to rinse. The little one watches. So far so good, I think. The hygenist starts the lecture about how I am brushing to hard.  I listen, nodding. she put that mirrored thing in mouth so I can see what she is talking about and I take my eyes off the little one.  Probably not the wisest thing considering her dexterity, determination, and ruthlessness could qualify her to go head to head with the likes of a Navy SEAL.  She is  squirming on my lap but my vision is obscured by the dental mirror and the hygenist cold hands. I hear a click,  and at the moment the hygenist retreats from my gaping mouth, I look up just in time to see a cup of water being shoved in my face.  She found the water-spout button and wasnt afraid to use it. In slow motion, water flying at me, in my face, my hair, trickling down my neck into my bra.  Wet. Really wet.

I dry off as best I can with dental grade paper towels, and now its their turn. The little one is the brute of the two, so we figure she should go next, plus she was already up on my lap. I sit her down on the seat. She opens her mouth, as told and when the hygenist goes to stick the mirror in she bites down on her hand, HARD. “Ouch!” she screams. All I can think of is that she should have seen it coming after the water incident. By this time, the big one is jealous of the attention, and sick of reading books, so she starts trying to talk up the hygenist.

“Hey, dentist…..do you know what my name is?”  she coos and smiles sweetly.

“Well, lets see… (glancing over her shoulder at the chart) your name is Darla” she replies.

“NO IT ISNT DARLA.  MY NAME IS BEYONCE.  DONT CALL ME DARLA!!!”  Her face darkens and she defiantly places her hips on her hands.

“Really?”  the hygenist smirks.

“Yes”  she replies smugly ” And now I am going to sing “Crazy in Love ” for you….”

She proceeds to sing the chorus of  “Crazy in Love“, (which is all she knows), complete with booty shaker-ific dance moves that would make the Real Beyonce proud…or cringe…not sure which.  All I know is that I am cringing.And wet.

It’s now “Beyonce’s”  turn. She does really well, but insists on telling the hygenist all about her “wedding plans” in between teeth polishing. Apparently, she has big plans to marry my friend Sharon’s son, Kaden.  She can’t wait to buy her wedding dress from the Disney Store, she explains, and then he will be “her man”.

Run, Kaden Run.

Another hygenist pops her head in. She is giggling and said “I just had to come in and see them, they sounded so cute.” I mumble something about how their ponytails hide the horns, and she shouldnt be fooled.  I’m still soaking wet and look like  I’ve had some sort of weird lactation leakage,  thanks to the wet stains on my shirt. I’m just shot at this point. Fried and tired.

Just when I think things can’t be worse, the actual Dentist pops in. He is all smiles and says  “Oh, I hear you two are so good today”.  They smile, and the big one says, “I like the dentist office, this is fun” . He replies  “Maybe you can be a dentist when you grow up?.”  She looks him dead in the eye and says ” Oh no, when I grow up, I don’t want to be a Dentist,. I just want to have big boobies like mommy does. ”

I feel his eyes travel south towards the wet spots, thanks to the water that puddled in my bra, compliments of the little one’s handy work.  I’m not sure what is more mortifying, the swamp bra thing I have going on, or the fact that my “bobbies” are NOT in any way big,  as advertised. I smile nervously, and say “She has quiet the imagination..” It’s at that point I turn on auto pilot and check out mentally for the rest of the visit. I have no idea what he said. I don’t remember the drive home. It’s a mother’s way of dealing with the mental trauma that comes along with parenting: Block it out.

But all is not lost, I learned 2 things that day:

1. Laying at a 30 degree angle and getting hit in the face with a liquid will allow for some strange pooling near the cups of a Victoria’s Secret Wonder bra.

2. Dentist + 2 ponytailed divas = one VERY large glass of wine.

Next time I’d rather have root canal than take them with me.  And I mean that.

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19 Responses to “Dental….DAMN!”

  1. meleah rebeccah February 1, 2011 at 11:33 pm #

    Another great post Christine! VERY. VERY, VERY Funny.
    My two favorite sentences have to be:

    1. “Its the dental version of the Spanish Inquisition.”

    2. “I mumble something about how their ponytails hide the horns, and she shouldn’t be fooled.”

    And, you just reminded me exactly why I’m so glad my days of having ‘little ones’ are over!

    • livelaughloveliquor February 3, 2011 at 9:18 am #

      Henry and I had one each when we married – At first we sworn we would never have any more…..but we wound up with these 2 more. You never know!

  2. Myra February 1, 2011 at 11:37 pm #

    I love your writing. It’s funny and smart!

  3. chris@getrealchris February 2, 2011 at 5:45 am #

    So very funny! Reading it I felt like I was there….but also very grateful that I wasn’t. 🙂 Love the look of your REDESIGNED blog.

  4. Chris Redding February 2, 2011 at 8:08 am #

    As usual, I laughed out loud.
    cmr

  5. msdove89 February 2, 2011 at 1:31 pm #

    Another great one, Christine!!!! Hugs and Kisses, and remember, we have an almost never ending supply of wine at our place!

    • livelaughloveliquor February 3, 2011 at 9:21 am #

      I’ve learned to stock up – esp. in bad weather, but I know where you live! Thanks dar!

  6. Joy February 2, 2011 at 6:04 pm #

    Hilarious! I think the photo of the “little one” says it all.

    • livelaughloveliquor February 3, 2011 at 9:22 am #

      Thanks so much for reading Joy. And yes, you can see the mischief in her eyes, cant you?

  7. reclaimed sanity February 7, 2011 at 11:11 am #

    This is hilarious! I made the same mistake…appointment…you made, but we haven’t had it yet. My three year old is similarly squirmy and talkative, I don’t know WHY I didn’t think of the fact that he’ll be doing something, or saying something while I am tilted back in the chair with my mouth propped open… just threw up in my mouth a little as the anxiety sets in…thanks for the heads up. May change that appointment yet…Check out my new blog if you get a chance, mytwotims.wordpress

    • livelaughloveliquor February 7, 2011 at 1:01 pm #

      Just checked out your blog and loved it- can sooo relate! Change that appointment girlfriend!!!

  8. Susan February 7, 2011 at 11:48 am #

    There’s nothing more stressful for me than dealing with multiple kids in public. All three of mine are born in July and instead of annual visits getting knocked out with one horrible day and three kids getting checked at once, I go three times. And as far as the dentist…I hate them too, but any time to myself is like a vacation, so I would have never even considered taking my kids! Great story!

    • livelaughloveliquor February 7, 2011 at 1:05 pm #

      Susan, I dont know what I was thinking. Gads! Never again! It IS liek a vacation when you go anywhere yourself, and you know youre in trouble when an hour spent ALONE with a dentist or colon rectal doctor, is more appealing than an hour with all 3 kids…..sigh…..thanks for stopping by!

  9. cc February 9, 2011 at 2:29 pm #

    I just got around to this one; OMG I would have dies witht the boobie comment! Reminded me of Gianna in church 2 years ago Easter Sunday ( I was pg at the time) as she pulled down my dress and screeched you have nice boobies mommy!

  10. zenmamajo February 16, 2011 at 6:18 pm #

    in general – i was really, really, REALLY nervous to click on this title: dental dam! *don’t* google it if you don’t know what it is – *phew* so relieved it really was about the dentist! hahah i’m so glad i found a hygenist who will let me floss my own teeth during the visits!

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