A Grilled Cheese Sandwich to the Head Just Might Fix Everything.

24 Feb

First, let me start by saying I admire you,  I really do. You are committed to the art of cycling, no doubt.  I’m fairy certain that the only way I’d ever be able to pedal that fast is  if someone dangled a “Twinkie” in front of my bike, much like they used to tie a carrot to a stick in front of a donkey to motivate him.   Even then, I am not convinced I have it in me to motor like you do.  I also commend you on your self-esteem.  It’s not often that one sees an individual such as yourself brimming with the confidence that surely must be a pre-requisite to wearing brightly colored spandex  jumpsuits and aerodynamic plastic helmets.  You brave the elements, usually traveling in packs, legs toned, hindquarters rising and falling with each stroke of the bicycles’ pedal.  Awesome!  Honking car horns and angry jeers from motorist don’t seem to faze you.  You, my friend, are immune to the middle finger. Yes, you keep pedaling, right in the middle of the road.  Despite your silly get up, you have a pair on you, and you’re not afraid to show it. I mean that both figuratively and literally,  in reference to the bulge in your spandex.

The main focus of my letter to you, is just a little info regarding local weather and road conditions   I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but it IS winter in Central Jersey.  We’ve had a TON of snowfall here, and because of this there is no breakdown lane.  You see, snow and ice have infiltrated your beloved bike lanes.  One would think that wouldn’t be a problem, as any SANE person would not be biking in 20 degree weather, but you sir, are out to prove that cyclists are no joke.  Every day I see you out there, mesmerizing motorist with the rhythm of your gluteus maximus in motion.  You choose to hone your craft daily, despite treacherous conditions.!  During the day, I’m guessing you’re a number cruncher for the IRS, or a mid level quality control manager, or a number of other occupations equally as rigid in nature.  Dont ask me why, but I get the sense that you’re quite an uptight, repressed  kinda guy.  Control freakish, maybe even.  Something about your titanium  posture, and your defiance of  actual traffic laws, suggests this.  Perhaps hogging the road is your way of  “sticking it to the man” .  Perhaps you enjoy the power you surely must feel when you back up a half mile of angry commuters and harried carpoolers, trying to pass you.  It’s hard to imagine you are unaware of the nuisance you’re creating.  Or maybe you’re just too busy enjoying the feel of the chartreuse green spandex you’re wearing  rubbing against your thighs, and you don’t notice .  Either way, Sir, I must warn you, you are asking for trouble with a capital T.

Normally,  your presence  is just a slight annoyance for me, but you see, now that the breakdown lanes are unusable thanks to Mother Nature, you’ve decided to sashay all over the road.  Where cars are meant to drive, not you.   On that note, if you are going to insist on infiltrating my driving space, perhaps you might choose a wiser route?  Oh…for example, ….I don’t know,….. ones that don’t  have blind curves and hairpin turns?  Roads with out dips, and valleys, and blind spots?  Roads that are  easier  to pass?  I don’t know, seems like common sense to me, and I hate to point out the obvious here, but perhaps the tightness of your bike shorts is  blocking blood flow to the brain? You might want to check on that.

I know….I know what you’re thinking,  I sound like a hater, but really, I’m not.  I am sincerely worried for your safety.  Not buying it?  Well, let me just say, in my defense, and you certainly may not know this, but I have a pack of very LOUD children in the car. They are rude, they misbehave, and they are vicious. This is probably my fault, but that is a story for another blog post.  At any given time, I could be pelted in the head with a grilled cheese sandwich.  At any time one of them can be screaming uncontrollably because the other one stole her book.  At any time one can lose bowel control, or vomit, or any number of other body functions involving DNA  and the car will reek with a stench like no other.  At any time can the annoying kid friendly music (think “Fresh Beat Band“) be blazingly loudly to the point of distraction and insanity.  Sights, sounds, smells, – as parents our sensory system is in 24 hour overdrive ramped up worse than an addict on methamphetamine.

Do you really want to add to that molotov cocktail of agitation ?

I’ve got news for you Sir,….as if your iron buttocks pumping up and down aren’t distracting enough, (Just to be clear,  when I say distracting, I in no way mean that in a sexually provocative manner.  At least not for a heterosexual female.)  I have a miniature circus act going on in my vehicle.  I can promise you a spot under the big top if you keep on truckin’ your neon spandex colored self into my lane.  The side-show?  Your tricked out huffy meets the bumper of my Japanese Mercedes (a.k.a. Honda Minivan).   So here is my proposition:  Please don’t ride on country back roads with blind spots.  Dont ride in pairs like you own the road.  I, in turn, who travels at  45 miles an hour,  has several tons of steel behind me, and has an  anti-lock brake system that I really would like to preserve, wont accidentally hit you.  Sounds fair, right?   I think so.   However, if you’re still not convinced and  if you insist on doing so, maybe you might want to wait till the shoulder is cleared of snow and ice.  I’m not kidding for the love of all that is Holy,  MOVE OVER or better yet, ride in the designated bike lanes that my tax dollars so graciously funded just for you and the rest of your  ‘calves of steel”  buddies.  And if you don’t?  Well, fasten that helmet, because that grilled cheese sandwich may just be coming your way.

I appreciate your time, and hope you give it some thought.

Sincerely,

A Fellow Road Warrior and Car Pooling Diva

p.s. I also want to THANK YOU  for reading. I just found out that a few weeks ago I made WordPress’es “FASTEST GROWING BLOGS” list!!!!!  Holy Sh#t Balls, Batman!  I hope I dont sound braggy….but I’m truly shocked! And grateful! So a big hearty THANK YOU to all you that read, subscribe, repost, forward, etc.  Please keep doing so, you have no idea how happy it makes me. xoxoxoxo

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36 Responses to “A Grilled Cheese Sandwich to the Head Just Might Fix Everything.”

  1. Darlene February 24, 2011 at 9:00 am #

    I needed that this morning, thanks! Funny thing … I was at my Doctors office yesterday. He is an avid biker, does all the races, LOVES it. He mentioned that he was going through withdrawal because he hasn’t been able to get out as much with all of the snow. So, there is hope! There are sensible people out there. Unfortunately, the idiotic ones tend to travel in packs, and sometimes out number us.

  2. chris@getrealchris February 24, 2011 at 9:16 am #

    I hate to admit it but cyclists are the bane of my existence. I like to think of myself as a patient person but when I come across a pack of bikers hogging a narrow windy road, NOT SO MUCH.

  3. The Mommy February 24, 2011 at 9:23 am #

    Loved it. My hubby is a biker, but only a fair-weather biker. He does it for exercise…I try to keep this in mind when I want to toss a grilled cheese at the bikers slowing me down…instead I GRRRRRRRR ARRRGGGHHHH and try to get around them as fast as I can.

    • livelaughloveliquor February 24, 2011 at 10:21 am #

      Fair weather bikers, I can deal with, as long as they don’t hog the road. This guy is surely on a suicide mission though. geeez!

  4. Dishy February 24, 2011 at 10:12 am #

    LOL!! This so reminds me of the post I wrote forever ago – JUST SAY NO! to riding your bike on the sidewalk. Someone’s gonna get killed and it won’t be pretty.

    • livelaughloveliquor February 24, 2011 at 10:20 am #

      OMG! I SWEAR I didnt read yours first, it just goes to prove great minds think alike!!

  5. Michelle T. February 24, 2011 at 10:47 am #

    You’re not bragging! You deserve it! Keep ’em coming!

  6. justina February 24, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

    My favorite blog, laughing out loud as I open a bank account, the lady doesn’t seem to care. I hate spandex and I curse them on River Rd almost daily. Maybe they haven’t noticed the kiddie pool sized potholes or attacking deer.

  7. lifeintheboomerlane February 24, 2011 at 5:01 pm #

    Oh my, you have struck a nerve. I so admire bike riders. And I would love to be able to ride. And I wish the hell they would all get off the road. Immediately.

  8. Elly Lou February 25, 2011 at 3:16 pm #

    I don’t trust anyone with a crotch that can stand that sort of pressure for such an extended period of time – spandex or no.

    • livelaughloveliquor February 25, 2011 at 3:28 pm #

      LMAO!! You make an excellent point! Now i am going to check out your blog, and I better not find you wearing spandex!

  9. My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours February 25, 2011 at 11:24 pm #

    HAHAHA! Excellent. You had me at “twinkie.”

  10. nat @book, line, and sinker February 26, 2011 at 8:39 pm #

    i didn’t realize you are a fellow new jersian despite your mention of princeton. (i didn’t want to look like a dork and assume you meant nj because i googled it and there are princetons in a few other states, including indiana.) that said, your post is hilarious and so true. my husband and i constantly lament the fact that bikers feel the need to wear spandex. i’m sure the material must help with wind shear or aerodynamics but it is a tad scary. i say, bikers beware! as for fastest growing blog, good for you! keep up the hijinx and hilarity.

    • livelaughloveliquor February 26, 2011 at 9:31 pm #

      I do live in Somerset County NJ, I don’t know how farmiiar you are w/ Somerset County but we have plenty of back road here and the bikers never quit! As for the growing blog, I wasnt THE fastest growing, but i did make the list a few weeks ago, and boy, was I shocked! (But happy!!)

  11. ryekatcher February 27, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    I do remember posting a comment- now I don’t remember about what, I musta not saved it. I only remember it was a funny post. And mostly what I remember was the gluteus maximus 🙂 Look what happens when you turn mom. The lil tight tiny things excite you. Congrats on your blog fame.

    • livelaughloveliquor February 27, 2011 at 12:19 pm #

      Thank you, but I wouldnt call it fame, just some really great friends who so graciously keep forwarding my link, and that is the truth!

      And I know exactly what you mean about motherhood making us excited about little things…..the can can sale at Shoprite has me practically orgasmic whenever it comes around.

  12. ImFromJersey February 27, 2011 at 1:01 pm #

    You could try to kill 2 birds with 1 stone so to speak. Arm the back seat brawlers with paint ball guns and have them target the offending gluteus muscles on a drive by. The cyclist gets the message, the children are occupied and really, how many cops patrol the back roads when it snows? Oh yeah, a little mud on your license tag helps.

  13. meleah rebeccah February 27, 2011 at 5:59 pm #

    I’,m pretty surethat guy rides through this neighborhood too! I’ll be sure to give him a copy of this letter!

  14. Annette February 28, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

    I know WHO this is… yep.. WHO… I’ll share it with you in an email… he is worse than a mailman out there in the rain/sleet/snow.. nothing this side of Beekman stops this cheek pumping guy from making the roadways dangerous… !

  15. amblerangel March 1, 2011 at 2:59 am #

    What about the faux bike a thons. Those are impossible to get around. ERRRR. Make sure the grilled cheese was hiding under the seat for a few weeks before it gets thrown….

    • livelaughloveliquor March 3, 2011 at 8:17 am #

      oh, yeah, those things are such BS. Just excuses to get dressed up in Spandex and compare who has a bigger “chasis”. LOL

  16. tinkerbelle86 March 1, 2011 at 11:40 am #

    hahahaha, this made me think of the time my friend went home after a night out and woke up with a grilled chilled sandwich stuck in her hair.she had made it, fallen asleep and rolled onto it. haha!

  17. happykidshappymom March 2, 2011 at 11:27 am #

    I think people without kids (or who have plenty of time to go biking without them) have no idea what it’s like to be in a car with them any longer than necessary. Grilled cheese to the back of the head — too funny. It was fun to hear your rant about the biker — so much that I voted in your poll to hit him with the sandwich. Guess you stirred up some stay-in-your-own-lane anger I didn’t know I had! Fun post.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 3, 2011 at 8:18 am #

      Thank you! And i am so happy for you making FRESH PRESSED!! that is AWESOME and you ahve a great blog – well deserved! Hope you blog about it

      • happykidshappymom March 7, 2011 at 6:07 pm #

        Thanks for your heart-felt congrats. It means so much! And thanks for keeping your great posts coming.

      • happykidshappymom March 7, 2011 at 7:56 pm #

        PS — That SUPER nice Congrats you left in my Comments section has had me smiling for days. Thank you!!

  18. livelaughloveliquor February 27, 2011 at 12:17 pm #

    Thanks for linking me Shay! I loved your latest post and can sooo relate, even though it would appear I am busy checking out gluts and all, LOL

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Shay, this is the Sun. Sun, this is Shay. « TheLogofiles - February 27, 2011

    […] to have stories to tell about some cyclist’s gluteus maximus shifting on his bike. (Thank you LiveLaughLoveLiquor for the sweet image you have left in my head throughout the […]

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