A Grilled Cheese Sandwich to the Head Just Might Fix Everything.

First, let me start by saying I admire you,  I really do. You are committed to the art of cycling, no doubt.  I’m fairy certain that the only way I’d ever be able to pedal that fast is  if someone dangled a “Twinkie” in front of my bike, much like they used to tie a carrot to a stick in front of a donkey to motivate him.   Even then, I am not convinced I have it in me to motor like you do.  I also commend you on your self-esteem.  It’s not often that one sees an individual such as yourself brimming with the confidence that surely must be a pre-requisite to wearing brightly colored spandex  jumpsuits and aerodynamic plastic helmets.  You brave the elements, usually traveling in packs, legs toned, hindquarters rising and falling with each stroke of the bicycles’ pedal.  Awesome!  Honking car horns and angry jeers from motorist don’t seem to faze you.  You, my friend, are immune to the middle finger. Yes, you keep pedaling, right in the middle of the road.  Despite your silly get up, you have a pair on you, and you’re not afraid to show it. I mean that both figuratively and literally,  in reference to the bulge in your spandex.

The main focus of my letter to you, is just a little info regarding local weather and road conditions   I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but it IS winter in Central Jersey.  We’ve had a TON of snowfall here, and because of this there is no breakdown lane.  You see, snow and ice have infiltrated your beloved bike lanes.  One would think that wouldn’t be a problem, as any SANE person would not be biking in 20 degree weather, but you sir, are out to prove that cyclists are no joke.  Every day I see you out there, mesmerizing motorist with the rhythm of your gluteus maximus in motion.  You choose to hone your craft daily, despite treacherous conditions.!  During the day, I’m guessing you’re a number cruncher for the IRS, or a mid level quality control manager, or a number of other occupations equally as rigid in nature.  Dont ask me why, but I get the sense that you’re quite an uptight, repressed  kinda guy.  Control freakish, maybe even.  Something about your titanium  posture, and your defiance of  actual traffic laws, suggests this.  Perhaps hogging the road is your way of  “sticking it to the man” .  Perhaps you enjoy the power you surely must feel when you back up a half mile of angry commuters and harried carpoolers, trying to pass you.  It’s hard to imagine you are unaware of the nuisance you’re creating.  Or maybe you’re just too busy enjoying the feel of the chartreuse green spandex you’re wearing  rubbing against your thighs, and you don’t notice .  Either way, Sir, I must warn you, you are asking for trouble with a capital T.

Normally,  your presence  is just a slight annoyance for me, but you see, now that the breakdown lanes are unusable thanks to Mother Nature, you’ve decided to sashay all over the road.  Where cars are meant to drive, not you.   On that note, if you are going to insist on infiltrating my driving space, perhaps you might choose a wiser route?  Oh…for example, ….I don’t know,….. ones that don’t  have blind curves and hairpin turns?  Roads with out dips, and valleys, and blind spots?  Roads that are  easier  to pass?  I don’t know, seems like common sense to me, and I hate to point out the obvious here, but perhaps the tightness of your bike shorts is  blocking blood flow to the brain? You might want to check on that.

I know….I know what you’re thinking,  I sound like a hater, but really, I’m not.  I am sincerely worried for your safety.  Not buying it?  Well, let me just say, in my defense, and you certainly may not know this, but I have a pack of very LOUD children in the car. They are rude, they misbehave, and they are vicious. This is probably my fault, but that is a story for another blog post.  At any given time, I could be pelted in the head with a grilled cheese sandwich.  At any time one of them can be screaming uncontrollably because the other one stole her book.  At any time one can lose bowel control, or vomit, or any number of other body functions involving DNA  and the car will reek with a stench like no other.  At any time can the annoying kid friendly music (think “Fresh Beat Band“) be blazingly loudly to the point of distraction and insanity.  Sights, sounds, smells, – as parents our sensory system is in 24 hour overdrive ramped up worse than an addict on methamphetamine.

Do you really want to add to that molotov cocktail of agitation ?

I’ve got news for you Sir,….as if your iron buttocks pumping up and down aren’t distracting enough, (Just to be clear,  when I say distracting, I in no way mean that in a sexually provocative manner.  At least not for a heterosexual female.)  I have a miniature circus act going on in my vehicle.  I can promise you a spot under the big top if you keep on truckin’ your neon spandex colored self into my lane.  The side-show?  Your tricked out huffy meets the bumper of my Japanese Mercedes (a.k.a. Honda Minivan).   So here is my proposition:  Please don’t ride on country back roads with blind spots.  Dont ride in pairs like you own the road.  I, in turn, who travels at  45 miles an hour,  has several tons of steel behind me, and has an  anti-lock brake system that I really would like to preserve, wont accidentally hit you.  Sounds fair, right?   I think so.   However, if you’re still not convinced and  if you insist on doing so, maybe you might want to wait till the shoulder is cleared of snow and ice.  I’m not kidding for the love of all that is Holy,  MOVE OVER or better yet, ride in the designated bike lanes that my tax dollars so graciously funded just for you and the rest of your  ‘calves of steel”  buddies.  And if you don’t?  Well, fasten that helmet, because that grilled cheese sandwich may just be coming your way.

I appreciate your time, and hope you give it some thought.

Sincerely,

A Fellow Road Warrior and Car Pooling Diva

p.s. I also want to THANK YOU  for reading. I just found out that a few weeks ago I made WordPress’es “FASTEST GROWING BLOGS” list!!!!!  Holy Sh#t Balls, Batman!  I hope I dont sound braggy….but I’m truly shocked! And grateful! So a big hearty THANK YOU to all you that read, subscribe, repost, forward, etc.  Please keep doing so, you have no idea how happy it makes me. xoxoxoxo