Victoria, it’s No Secret

3 Mar

The Movies.  It’s always a gamble going with kids.  Attention span.  Potty breaks, popcorn fights, who beats the crap out of who with a box of swedish fish, anything can happen. I know this, I’ve been around the parental block, so to speak,  yet that is exactly what we decided to do during a fit of temporary insanity, on President’s Day.

The night before, the Big One was giving me flack about going to bed.  It was 9.00pm, and she had been up since 5.30 and still refused to go to sleep.  She was cuckoo tired at that point, bouncing off the walls, rambling goofily, and not making sense.  In a parentally corrupt attempt at bribery I told her I would take her to see “Gnomeo and Juliet” the next day if she agree to go to bed RIGHT NOW.  She did.  Three minutes after her head hit the pillow, she was off waltzing with the Sandman.  Hubby and I smugly “high-fived” each other, congratulating ourselves on how easy that was.  She’s never remember my promise  in the morning.  Snort.

The joke was on us at 5.30 the next day when she came running into the bedroom asking me to put on her pumpkin shirt so we can go see Gnomeo and Juliet NOW.  The little one was in tow shouting  “Yeah, Oatmeal”  which is how she pronounces Gnomeo.   So much for our high fives and brilliance.  Movie bound we were.   On the bright side,  I made a fascinating discovery sure to win accolades from the scientific community:  Two very loud children screaming in your ear at 5.30 am totally negates the need for caffeine.

I hear a rumor on the mommy circuit that the Old Dunellen Theater was the place to go for family friendly movies.  The last time I was there, I got kicked out.   It was back  in high school.  My friend Lori Chinman and I met up with 2 guys we had crushes on and were to going to see some Chuck Norris movie.  One of the guys dropped the vodka bottle he smuggled in his coat,  it smashed, and we got the boot.  Knowing my kids, I figured our chances of getting the boot again were 50/50.

Despite my reluctance, we  hopped in the car.  On the console was a Victoria Secret catalog.  Apparently it came in yesterday’s mail and hubby decided to sit and “browse for gifts for me” (….yeah….riiiiight….) while the little one slept in the car. (Whatever).  Naturally, The Little One snatches it as she is getting in her car seat and wont give it up.  Try as I might I can’t pry it out of her fat little fingers.  Not up for a fight, I just let her have it, what could be the harm?

The entire 20 minute ride to the theater I hear the two of them jeering and cracking up.  “Ah – ha ha ha  look at her BUTT”  they laugh.  The Little One yells “POOPY” and points at the swimsuit model’s rear end.  I make a mental note to roll it up and hit Hubs over the head with it when we get home.

We pull in the lot and get the kids out of their seats.  We are rushing, as the movie starts in 10 minutes and want to get food, and settle in first. The Little One is still hanging on to the Victoria Secret catalog for dear life.  She wont let go.  She insists on bringing it in the theater with her.  Gggggggreat.

So in we go, looking like the freak show family that we are.  The main attraction is my two-year old clinging so tightly to the latest Victoria Secret catalog as if it were a wining powerball ticket.  The side-show is my 4-year-old who looks like a refugee from a belated Halloween parade, hands on hips as she proudly modeling her pumpkin shirt and bright orange pants, mimicking the smoldering “come hither” look she saw in the catalog.  On her, it looked ridiculous.  Yes, you betcha we got stares as we walked down the aisle to find seats.  I even saw one mom look us up and down, nudge her friend and smirk.  Not a “Oh, isn’t that cute?“, smirk, but more like a “Dont they have movies in the trailer park? “,  type of smirk.  I silently curse Victoria Secret and the entire undergarment industry.  I try not to make eye contact as we select our seats.

The theatre has changed a lot since 1983.  They converted the seats into larger areas, brought in tables, and the bar next door will serve pitchers of beer and pizza.  Hello…….beer….pizza…SWEET!!  Maybe the day wont go so bad after all.  I send Hubs off to go order the food. The girls and I have “the talk” about how to behave.  Sit nice, be quiet, share the popcorn. They seem happy and excited and The Little One keeps talking about how she “Luffs Oatmeal” (Loves Gnomeo).  She seems excited.  Trying to strike while the opportunity is hot, I attempt to distract her and gently slide the Victoria Secret catalog out of her hands.  No can do.  Her death grip on that thing is as strong as ever.

Hubs comes back and has popcorn.  The movie starts.   So far, so good.  They are quiet, watching. We pour the beer,reach over and toast our plastic cups over their heads. The first sip is so sweet …..ah cold beer.  Here comes the bar pie.  YUM.  Thin crust, not to salty, delish.  We give each other the thumbs up.  This is freakin’ awesome!  Yeah for us!  Almost like a real date except for this crap movie we have to watch!  Ah who cares, we have cold beer!!  Yahooo! I chug a cup.  Hubs, who has more sense than I shoots me a look and just sips his.  I feel a little tipsy.  I’m loving it!  A kid function where we can DRINK!  Sweet!

Until the fight starts.  Over popcorn. The Little One is hoarding the tub.  The Big One, who is more sensitive than her sister, is upset.  She is crying and whining.  I hear anger and accusation in her voice.  I want more beer.  Whispering, I try to reason with The little One.  She has the catalog in one hand, the popcorn curled up in her arm in the other.  She is not giving up that popcorn for anything.  She likes her food and is afraid her bigger sister, who can shovel it in faster, will eat it all.  I look up and notice the dirty looks starting.  Here we go….. I beg her to give it up and threaten to take away the VS catalog. That was all I needed to say. The big one saw her opportunity and naturally grabbed it, flinging it as far as she could.  There goes Heidi Klum and the rest of the VS gang, flying thru the air, landing in the aisle.  I’m fairly certain it may have even grazed the head of the woman in the pink shirt in the seat directly in front of us.  (The death stare she gave me was my main clue.)   The little one screams like you just shot her best friend in the world.  She is crying uncontrollably.  The popcorn falls.  I hear the guy next to pink shirt whisper “What the @#%$%. ” as he turns around to look at us too.  I’m having flashbacks from the high school vodka incident.  It’s my turn to look over my shoulder now, half expecting the management asking us to leave. Gulp.

I slither my fat ass out of the chair, trying to be as small as possible, hunching over like Quasimodo and venture out into the aisle to grab it. ( Note to self, hunching over in the dark when you’ve chugged a few beers is probably not a good idea)  I stumble and trip, landing on all fours.  The floor is sticky and my ass is up in the air, on display for your viewing pleasure, in the middle of the aisle.  I can only imagine what the hell I am crawling on, and the germophobe in me vowing to go on a lysol bender when I get home.  I am so scheeved and want to barf.  I crawled back to my seat and satisfy the  monkey on my back with a generous helping of hand sanitizer.   It was not my finest hour.  More beer please.  Hubs,  still slowly sipping his original glass, is looking at me again as if to say “slow down“.

The girls calm down after Hubs gets a refill on the popcorn, bless his heart.  I am still recovering emotionally from the “Ass in the Air Victoria Secret Rescue Mission”  I just completed.  The irony of the size of my ass, and the nature of the catalog is not lost on me.  I drink more beer. It tastes GOOD, real good.

I notice The Little One isn’t even watching the movie.  She is reading the damned catalog again, in the dark.  At this point I no longer give a shite, as long as she is quiet.  The Big One seems restless too, and gets up and is dancing to the Elton John music playing.  She loves to dance, and is bopping around swinging her foot up like a Rockette.  I’m fine with that as long as she doesn’t nail pink shirt and her uptight husband with a foot to the head.  Luckily the Gods were on my side, and she doesn’t.  I watch her frolic so joyfully, she is full of pure merriment, and I start to smile.  The beer is kicking in, and so is my motherly pride.  Despite the orange get up, she is so sweet and pretty and her heart is filled with delight by the simple joy of music.  “How great to be four again”, I ponder.  I was so enraptured by her glee, that I failed to notice The Little One.  She too, is dancing.  In the aisle. Half naked.  Removing her clothes, front and center, Victoria Secret catalog still in hand.

Her shirt is over her head as her pudgy belly sticks out proudly.  Heidi Kulm has got nothing on her, as far as she is concerned.  Proudly she is shaking her booty to the music and singing “naaaaaked” swaying back and forth to the beat of the Gnoemo (or is it oatmeal?) version of Elton John.  I see her go for the waistband of her pants.  They are about to come down.  Jesus H. Jones, it’s some type of preschool potty dance/strip tease. “Thank you, Victoria’s Secret, take your catalog and shove it up your thong,” I silently swear. There goes my beer buzz.  “Lets GO!” I hiss, grabbing her hand and scooting her into the lobby.  The Big One trails behind. “Wait for me!” she yells, skipping joyfully behind us.

I wait for Hubs, thinking he will gather up our stuff and follow.  They run around, The Little One still clinging to her lingerie fetish and I am wondering if this will replace her baby doll as a  “lovey” , and how long this phase will last.   I look at the clock, its been 10 minutes,and no sign of Hubs.  WTF?  Is he actually enjoying Gnomeo?  Is he into its brilliant plot? Can he not tear himself away from this epic love story? Another 5 minutes go by.  We go in to get him.  He is sleeping.  Figures.

On the drive home, we laugh about it all and realize that neither of us has any idea what the movie was about.  We are not sure the girls do either.  We tease that we spent 52.00 bucks, essentially just for a bar pie and pitcher of beer, because that was all we got out of it.  Looking back in the rear view mirror, we notice our two precious girls have dozed off.  The Little One is cuddling the catalog in her sleep.  The Big One with her bright orange pumpkin hat on.  My heart fills with great love for them, no matter what havoc they wreak.

Despite the chaos, shame, and  the dirty “Go home to your trailer” looks, the quiet bliss of having a cold one with the my beloved Hubs, was all worth it.  It’s what every marriage needs now and then, and that is no secret!

Thank you for reading!


29 Responses to “Victoria, it’s No Secret”

  1. chris@getrealchris March 3, 2011 at 9:26 am #

    I luff this story!

  2. Michelle T. March 3, 2011 at 10:15 am #

    Holy crap, I was hysterical reading this (while at work)! I LOVE YOU… is that so wrong?


  3. Allison March 3, 2011 at 10:47 am #

    I am laughing so hard I can’t breathe! OMG!

  4. Erin March 3, 2011 at 1:53 pm #

    I am laughing like crazy. Thank you for your post and your sense of humor. I too took the kids to Gnomeo and Juliet, however, my experience was not as Grand as yours. But there were some similarities:) You just have a way to word it together. Thanks for the laughs!

  5. Renee Davies March 3, 2011 at 4:18 pm #

    I found your blog via My Parents are Crazier than Yours. I’m working from home with a cold, all stuffed up and reading your post for today – needless to say, when I read “it’s some type of preschool potty dance/strip tease” I laughed so hard, I got unstuffed. You’re funny.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 3, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

      Thank you renee. myparents….is one of my FAVORITE blogs. Myra rocks! Anywho, glad you found me and that your stuffiness is feeling better. I hate feeling stuffed

  6. thedailydish March 3, 2011 at 5:02 pm #

    Can I “Like” this more than once?! B/c truly you had me cackling out loud. I love you. I love the fact that you let your daughter wear Halloween stuff whenever she wants (I do too, btw) — guess we’re two doors down in the trailer park! ((PS: bring the cold beer tonight, we’re gonna watch Raising Arizona)


    • livelaughloveliquor March 3, 2011 at 6:21 pm #

      I totally got the pork rinds (no sodium ones, that is) and we will be over at 8 to watch raising arizona, bud in a cnb, in hand. Love you too. xoxoxox

  7. Kat March 3, 2011 at 5:55 pm #

    OMG… you kill me… seriously… and I KNOW you aren’t making this stuff up, because half of it has truly happened to me!

    • livelaughloveliquor March 3, 2011 at 6:21 pm #

      Honestly, I iwish i was making this stuff up. it would be so much more FUNNER that way. ….sigh!

  8. lifeintheboomerlane March 3, 2011 at 6:10 pm #

    Freaking hilarious. I still have anxiety attacks when I think of some of the stuff my kids did in public places. I’m pretty sure my son’s photo is posted at a shoe store in Philly.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 3, 2011 at 6:22 pm #

      hahaha. i know that feeling. We are 2 steps away from being blacklisted from our local shoprite.!!

  9. amblerangel March 4, 2011 at 4:10 am #

    Beer in the movie theater? Wow- my kids would have to compete with me for space dancin in the aisle stripping down…that would clear the place

  10. meleah rebeccah March 7, 2011 at 2:44 pm #

    “my two-year old clinging so tightly to the latest Victoria Secret catalog as if it were a wining powerball ticket.”

    That made me laugh out loud.

    I need to know WHERE this movie theater is. I would KILL to be able to drink beer inside a movie theater!

    I can’t believe you fell on the floor of the theater. I would have had to leave and race home to bathe in Lysol. YIKES.

    “My heart fills with great love for them, no matter what havoc they wreak.”

    Ah yes. You’re such a great mom.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 7, 2011 at 4:25 pm #

      Thanks Mel. Dunellen Theater on route 28 in Dunellen. it’s a sh*t hole, hasnt been renovated in years, but hey, the pizza kicked it, and the beer was cold! Let me know when youre going – I’ll meet ya!

  11. happykidshappymom March 9, 2011 at 6:22 pm #

    Oh My Word. This is the FUNNIEST thing I’ve read in a long time. I LOVE it. I was laughing out loud. I have a pot of water boiling on the stove, but couldn’t tear myself away from reading this to go drop in the pasta. It’s been a crazy day. This is just what I needed! So glad you posted.

    • happykidshappymom March 10, 2011 at 9:27 am #

      PS — I know you received it already, but I re-gifted you the Stylish Blogger Award. Your blog makes me LAUGH! And so I wanted to link to you again. (You don’t have to fill out the form again!)

      Take care!

  12. Fire Crystals March 10, 2011 at 5:10 am #

    I have been laughing my head off reading this account at the movie theatre. Great post 🙂

  13. Jeannetta Vivere March 10, 2011 at 5:17 pm #

    Oh my gosh, hilarious !!!! wow you’ve got a life like mine, I can’t make this kind of stuff up either but it happens !!

    I think you should send it to Victoria’s Secret — and Heidi she’s got a lot of kiddies now….wait till her’s are flinging that magazine one day!

    too cute, thanks for writing this and sharing
    I would like to post it on my blog, my friends will LOVE this !

    • livelaughloveliquor March 10, 2011 at 5:31 pm #

      Why Thank you Jeanetta! Loved your Italy post! And please, do post! Thank YOU!!

  14. Jeannetta Vivere March 10, 2011 at 7:21 pm #

    I want to add you on by blogroll…I was smiling still driving home from work about your story, I love humor in life. Keeps us real right?

  15. Jill March 11, 2011 at 5:11 pm #

    Chris, once again, you have made me laugh so hard I cried. I love your posts and am so glad that you have started your blog. The girls are just darling!

  16. cc March 15, 2011 at 7:50 pm #

    loved this!

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