The Case of the Sparkly Flirt

10 Mar

“Hey Lilah, which one do you like?”

The Big One points to two boys who just entered our favorite micro brewery while eating lunch on this unseasonably warm day.  The smaller of the two is a about 5,  a little blonde  surfer boy mop top, with converse sneakers.    The older one is clean-cut. close shaven hair, khaki type pants , and is about 7 or so.   They seem to be mesmerized by something moving around in a  container pot.  Brothers, yet clearly opposites, they remind me of a miniature version of  The Hardy Boys.  The mop top has a  “devil-may-care”  bad boy Joe Hardy curiosity, as he pokes and prods blindly into the plant.  His more sensible brother (clean-cut straight-laced Frank Hardy)  stands back cautiously.  They are both completely oblivious to the fact that they are on the Big One’s radar.  Watch out boys,  you’re about to witness the caper of a lifetime.

“LILAH!  Which.  One.  Do.  You.  LIKE? ”  The Big One repeats, with force this time.   I glance over at Lilah, who appears to be tickling her nasal passage with Crayola’s “Cerulean Blue” crayon.  Clueless, she has no idea what her big sister is talking about.

“That one”  she points to the old-time train station across the patio.

The Big one rolls her eyes. “No, I mean those boys! which ONE do you like?”

Lilah just points to a different train and keeps exploring the inner workings of her nostrils with the  crayon.  Exasperated, The Big One slams her hand down on the table and rolls her eyes.  Hubs and I look at each other.  He has got the “WTF???” look on his face, but I could have called this one a mile away.  Blame it on  those danged Justin Bieber videos her teenage sister watched, but The Big One has a severe case of the Boy Crazies.  I throw my hands out and give Hubs a shrug.  The Big One is smoothing her fly away hair down a bit.  Hubs is in for a show. Move over, Nancy Drew, the competition just got tough.

“Mommy, can I please take off my coat?” she asks and gives me a sweet smile.

“Darla, it’s still a bit chilly, wont you be cold?” Hubs asks her back.  We are sitting on the outdoor patio, and its only about 65 degrees.

“NO!”  She snaps.  I raise an eyebrow, she gets the hint.

“No, daddy, I wont be cold, and if I leave it on, “nobody” can see the pink sparkles on my shirt.”

She glances over at the Hardy boys, who have been seated 2 tables over with their mom, dad and little sister.   Hubs starts choking on his drink.  She doesn’t wait for an answer, and unzips her pink jacket.  Ever so smoothly, she slides off the chair and says she is “tired” of sitting.   She strikes a pose by the table, head held high, peacock feathers (sparkly shirt)  in full splendor.  She  throws a backwards glance over at her prey.  I can tell she is getting ready to cast her line out.  The Hardy Boys are clueless, and seem to be in the middle of a full throttle Gameboy war.  She flips her hair and decides to up her game.

“I’m going to take a walk”  she announces.  Hubs opens his mouth to protest but I mouth the words “she will be fine” to him and watch her swish slowly over to her mark.   I can remember being her age and salivating at Frankie Castro, a neighborhood boy with tawny skin and a cowlick that could go all night.  Or at least until nap time, from what I could tell.  We got “married” under the forsythia bushes in my neighbor’s yard one Spring afternoon, and 40 years later, the memory still makes me smile.  I get where she is coming from.  She is her mother’s daughter.

Strutting her 4-year-old self, she is circling their table like a hungry carnivore near an abandoned meat truck. My daughter, the preschool cougar.  She stops, standing about 7 or 8 feet in front of them and shifts her weight to one leg, puts her hand on her hip and strikes a pose.   My girl’s got SERIOUS game.  Hardy boys, meet party girl.  She gives them a smoldering baby-faced  version of  “come hither”  that would make her role model, the glamorous diva Miss Piggy, proud.  Too bad they don’t notice.  Their mom does.

“Oh look, Sophia, this little girls has come to visit you”  she says to the boy’s little sister, smiling brightly at Darla.

“Actually, I’m a BIG girl.  I’m FOUR”  she replies, thrusting four fat little fingers in the woman’s face.   “And I came to see HIM”.  She points to the clean-cut one with the Khakis.  The mom burst out laughing.  Darla looks pissed, she is all business and failing to see the joke here.

“Hey Trevor”, the mom says still chuckling. “Put down your video game.”  Trevor has his face buried in his Gameboy and had no clue she was even standing there. “This big girl came over to say hello to you.”  she nudges him gently.

Trevor tears himself away from his video screen and Darla makes eye contact, “Do you like my shirt? ” she coos, hand still placed on that hip, flipping her hair over to one side.  She smiles flirtatiously.  All I can think of is  “Jesus H. Jones, please don’t let her moon him”  which is a textbook Darla attention-getting tactic.  Hubs looks incredulous, and has his mouth open.  I notice his eyes are blinking as if he is trying to hit “rewind” with his eyeballs.    A bewildered Trevor shrugs and says “Hi” and goes back to his game.

Not one to back down, The Big One ups her game by saying ” Do you like Hannah Montana?”  Trevor shrugs and says “I don’t really watch her.  I like Phineas and Ferb”  Like his Hardy Boy doppelganger, Trevor is a little slow on the uptake in the romance department.

“Well, I want to sing  the Hannah Montana song for you”  declares my four-year old enchantress, undeterred.  Without further ado, she proceeds to do this:

Trevor loses interest about 5 seconds into the grand performance, despite his mom’s attempts at prodding him to pay attention.  His parents are both howling and laughing at her botched attempt at playing seductress.  Hubs on the other hand is turning blue.   Beads of sweat appear on his brow. I think he is going into shock, literally.  Me?  I’ve seen it all before.

She finishes her grand performance to a round of cheers, and  applause from Trevor’s mom, dad and little sister.  Lilah is also clapping enthusiastically,  crayon still dangling from her nose. The performance did not QUITE have the same effect on Trevor, as evidence by his frozen visage of  disgust and horror.  His younger brother appears to echo these emotions as well.  I guess “The Mystery of the Girl in the Pink Sparkly Shirt” was far more hi-jinx than the boys could handle.  Darla is oblivious to this fact.  She seems pleased with herself, grinning from ear to ear and  curtesies. (Oh the bright side, at least I know she learned something in ballet).

Trevor’s Dad looks over at Hubs and says ” I hope you have a few big guns at home.  You’re going to need one to chase away the boys in about 10 years.”

Poor Hubs, still suffering from the aftershock,  just nods his head in agreement.  Darla, high on the accolades she just received,  skips happily back to the table.

“Mommy did you see me? ” she is grinning from ear to ear.  She seems so proud of herself.

“Yes sweetheart, you sounded GREAT.  Just like Hannah.  And I liked your moves”.   I look over and notice Hubs has his hands in his head and is running his fingers thru his hair.  Poor sap,  he just got mentally sucker punched by his four-year old.  He is shaking his head in disbelief.

“Yeah, I did have some great moves. and I think that boy likes me.”   She giggles, turning her attention to Lilah she says,

“See, Lilah, THAT is how you meet boys”.  Lilah takes the crayon out of her nose and flings it at Trevor.  Hubs throws his hands up in the air.

As the pages of our lives turn,  I guess we have The Hardy Boy look-a-likes to thank for giving us this clue.  No classic, spine tingling cliffhanger here.  No great mystery.  We know how the plot thickens, and can see it coming.

Yes my friends,  in the end, we are screwed come the teenage years.  And we know it.

Thank you for reading!


40 Responses to “The Case of the Sparkly Flirt”

  1. Michelle T March 10, 2011 at 10:43 am #

    LOL, yet another awesome entry! You, my friend, are hysterical! ❤ you!

  2. thedailydish March 10, 2011 at 10:51 am #


    I am AFRAID for you, my dear!! That BIG girl is too big for her britches by far!! Your poor husband. Perhaps you should get him on my low sodium diet stat! Stave off the heart attack as long as possible.


    Thank you for cracking me up once again. I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!!!!!!!

    • livelaughloveliquor March 10, 2011 at 7:21 pm #

      EXCELLENT IDEA! Lo-so, here we come. And anyone reading this, go check out Dishy’s blog and vote for her!

  3. Maryann Didriksen March 10, 2011 at 11:04 am #

    My boys are 15 and 19 and I have been through plenty, but you have a way of making miss the “old days”. Love it!

    • livelaughloveliquor March 10, 2011 at 7:21 pm #

      Watch that Maryann…..missing the old days was how I wound up with these 2 after 40, in the first place!

  4. chris@getrealchris March 10, 2011 at 11:35 am #

    Boy, Darla could have taught me a thing or two during my single gal days!

  5. ryekatcher March 10, 2011 at 12:57 pm #

    LOL!!! Tell her I Love her sparkles 🙂
    She is awesome. Welcome to the world of boys. Oblivious to what is in front of them, hard for them to focus on more than one thing. But yes, someday they will be chasing her. It is good it is not yet- it will be hard enough then. That was so funny and so well written, just read it to my hubs- he was laughing. I really better come up with some material.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 10, 2011 at 7:18 pm #

      Thanks! You are an excelelnt writer – and will drum up something soon enough – in the meantime pour a glass of wine and just relax a bit – it will come.

      • ryekatcher March 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm #

        wine sounds yummy. I have been adding shots of Malibu coconut rum into my morning hot chocolate and it is doing wonders. you should try it. it’s creamy and smooth.

      • livelaughloveliquor March 17, 2011 at 10:58 am #

        I LOVE Malibu rum. Malibu baybreezes and malibu diet coke are my FAVORITES!!!

  6. Kathy March 10, 2011 at 3:00 pm #

    Wow…I just can’t imagine Suzie doing that in two years. I’m hoping having two brothers as role models will help keep the start of *boy crazies* from beginning for a LOOOOONG time! LOL

    • livelaughloveliquor March 10, 2011 at 7:17 pm #

      Thank you Kathy. I hope for your sake Suzie is calmer in the boy department!

  7. Kathy March 10, 2011 at 3:01 pm #

    I forgot to say…

    ROFL! You certainly have a way of expressing yourself, no matter the subject, that just cracks me up!

  8. Annette Next door March 10, 2011 at 3:06 pm #

    IF..and that is a big IF.. I didn’t know these girls oh so well.. I’d say this is pure fiction…but being as I DO know them oh so well… I have a feeling you are leaving out a lot!!… OMG…that was hilarious!!!! Oh Darla.. teach your sister well….

    • livelaughloveliquor March 10, 2011 at 7:16 pm #

      Yeah, today Darla is cutting pictures of boys out of the Hannah Anderson catalog and hanging them on the fridge. come by and see her “collection”.

  9. lifeintheboomerlane March 10, 2011 at 3:17 pm #

    So funny! Hey, the teen years aren’t as bad as they are cracked up to be. On the other hand, my memory isn’t either.

  10. Lisa March 11, 2011 at 12:18 am #

    Fantastic. I love your blog and your writing and more importantly your sense of humor. Your blog always gives me a good laugh until I realize I may have another girl in June….and then this turns into ” this is your life Lisa” But WHAT really hits me is, since I know your husband, this entire entry takes on another life entirely. I am reading it and watching him about to pass out. Classic.

  11. Fire Crystals March 11, 2011 at 12:36 am #

    That was soooooo funny. HOW did you manage to keep a straight face throughout the performance??
    And I do pity your Hubby…..he is going to have nightmares from the moment she is ready to start dating 🙂

  12. happykidshappymom March 11, 2011 at 8:48 am #

    I love how you tied this story together with the Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew theme. The caper of a lifetime? Hysterical. Growing up in our house, we had my mom, her mother, my sister, my dad and me. Four women. It’s not easy when the dads are so outnumbered!

    Maybe that’s why my own father never departed from his history of a Marine. And when my sister and I were in high school, he used to loudly and clearly announce to any boys who came by that once they crossed the “perimeter” (our driveway) they were on his land.


    But we loved him for it.

  13. Nancy March 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm #

    Oh my gosh, that CRACKS me up. I love her utube dance!!!! so awesome!!! the shoulder moves—->priceless!!

  14. Barbara March 11, 2011 at 3:52 pm #

    The beauty of this is at her age there is only innocence her actions… looking for a grin and a “yeah your sparkly dress is cool”. These are the types of kids that grow up self assured, strong willed, and are not afraid to BE WHO THEY ARE! Bravo!! Christine for creating children that are not afraid to shine!

    • livelaughloveliquor March 11, 2011 at 7:02 pm #

      You have no idea how much I appreciate your comment – seriously. You made my day. i do let my daughter be herself, and as long as she is not hurting herself or anyone else, she should be free to be who she is. I cant tell you how much your words mean to me, thanks for that,

    • sandra eileen March 11, 2011 at 10:08 pm #

      I agree. She is growing into herself and kudos for allowing that. I bet her pink sparkles were gorgeous!

      • livelaughloveliquor March 11, 2011 at 11:26 pm #

        Thank you Sandra. I REALLY appreciate your kindness!

  15. sandra eileen March 11, 2011 at 10:07 pm #

    She is most definitely going to be an adorable handful. I love her Moxie.

  16. She's a Maineiac March 13, 2011 at 6:45 pm #

    Go, Darla! That was awesome. Reminds me of my four year old. When her older 8 year old brother has his friends over to play Wii (identical twin brothers) she’ll quickly run into the next room and put on her Belle gown and heels, grab her purse and proceed to bombard the poor boys with eye-fluttering and twirling and sparkles. So hilarious to see the boys try to ignore her!

  17. The Girl from the Ghetto March 14, 2011 at 8:34 am #

    Oh, I just love a sassy little girl, before they get too sassy, that is. She is so cute.

    Lord knows being a stepmom to a 17-year-old teen is no easy time. I worry constantly. All I can say is, peace be with you when that age comes for your girl.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 17, 2011 at 10:59 am #

      Thanks so much – i have a 17 year old stepdaughter as well. I know what i am in for, and it makes me burst out sobbing just thinking about it! Pass the vodka!!

  18. Robyn March 14, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    Hi, Christine. I’ve mentioned your blog a few times to the Hubby. I got this message from him this morning:
    “Having a lousy morning….tell your friend that her 4-year-old seductress blog entry just totally made my morning! (means he thought it was hysterical)
    …and more than ever I’m happy to be the father of two BOYS !”

  19. meleah rebeccah March 14, 2011 at 4:28 pm #

    “and if I leave it on, “nobody” can see the pink sparkles on my shirt.”

    That made me laugh out loud, for real.

    But, oh my word, if she’s that boy crazy now, you are definitely going to have your hands full when she gets older.

    I watched the video of her – and she’s absolutely precious. Have you considered letting her go into some type of acting/commercials? She’s clearly a natural!

    • livelaughloveliquor March 17, 2011 at 11:01 am #

      Thanks so much Mel. She does have the “drama gene” but I dont think that is the kind of vida loca I want for her!! Although she does have the spoiled diva thing down pat, LOL!

  20. cc March 15, 2011 at 7:45 pm #

    momma you rock and you do have your hands full thank you for the never ending smiles!

  21. ladyladylike May 1, 2012 at 2:46 pm #

    Oh my gosh this is wonderful. The youtube link is broken to the video of her… PLEASE tell me you have it uploaded in a different location????

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