Are You Suffering From Post Traumatic Motherhood Syndrome?

22 Mar

It ‘s one of those hush-hush situations. Something the medical community alludes to vaguely and is weary of categorizing.  Perhaps you’ve heard the buzz about it during rhyme time at the library. Maybe you’ve heard it whispered about in the trenches at the playground, at in your local busybody’s Mom’s club.  Its rumored about, with down cast eyes and hushed tones, the minute a down trodden looking mother walks into the room with  ill-fitting sweatpants and a muffin top:  Post Traumatic Motherhood Syndrome or PTMT.

WHAT IS PTMS?

PTMS is a very real, and serious condition effecting thousands of woman each year.  It can last from 2 weeks post partum, to up to 6 years (or more if your child repeats kindergarten).  It’s natural to be frazzled when you’re a mother. It’s natural to be upset when your skinny jeans no longer fit.  But if you walking in circle at the local  Wal-Mart  shopping for a crock pot cookbooks and ingredients for Rachel Ray’s dish du jour, you may have PTMS.  If you spend hours  trying on “mom jeans” in which the waistband lies unnaturally  high, lounging roughly 1/2 inch south of your white cotton  braziere, you may have PTMS. If any of these symptoms occur, it might be time to talk with your local wholesale liquor distributor doctor. You may be suffering from Post Traumatic Motherhood Disorder.

WHO CAN GET PTMS?

PTMS does not discriminate against race or age.  You may think “Oh, that will never be me with the smeared coral colored lipstick, lopsided ponytail held together by a supermarket produce rubber band,  and gummy bear stuck to the seat of my pants”  but it can strike anyone.  The condition can be spontaneously  triggered by childbirth, adoption, or acquiring a young child thru marriage.  In certain areas of the country (areas with high concentrations of playgroups, moms clubs, babysitting co-ops, mostly)  it can be contagious and spreads faster than strep throat at a lollipop party.

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF PTMS?

A dramatic change in lifestyle that  was previously unacceptable in your pre-motherhood life. If you answer YES to 7 or more of the following questions you may be suffering from PTMS:

1. Have you traded in your sports car, uber-cool SUV, convertible, or other hip automobile for the likes of a (gasp) mini-van or bulky unsightly “seats 7” land hog?

2. Are g-strings and lingerie a thing of the past? Is the fruit of your womb covered by fruit of the loom instead of Victoria Secret or LaPerla?  Have you graduated into the sick and depraved land of white granny panties? Do you remember to change them daily? In a  sleep deprived stupor do you sometimes even forget to put them on?

3. Are sweatpants and track suits the focal point of your wardrobe? Are they free from boogers, handprints, smears, and other forms of your offspring’s DNA?

4. Are the roots of you hair longer than 3 inches? Do you bear a striking resemblance to a Brittany Spears mug shot? Are you a candidate for the TV show “When Good Dye Jobs Go Bad?”  Or worse, has mother hood degraded you to patronizing a $7.99 budget salons like “Supercuts” in order fund your next trip to Disney?

5. Are you completely oblivious to this years hot fashions, yet you are a well versed expert who is keenly aware of which brand of diaper will hold x amount of urine for x amount of time before springing a leak?

6. Have you ever introduced yourself as _________’s mom? Did you have “Mommy business cards”  printed up with your name, phone number, twitter handle, facebook name and the names and ages of your children ? (IF YES SKIP NEXT QUESTIONS AND GET HELP NOW! )

7. Have you had a sexual fantasy involving an “Imagination Mover“? (“Yeah baby, I got a problem you can fix right HERE, ((pointing to crotch, heavy panting)) so put on your wabble-goggles and dive in, Mo fo!” )

7. Is your # 1 source of  info regarding current events and world news derived from Radio Disney?

8. Have you found yourself following the story line and laughing out loud at an episode of  royal preteen jackassery  on   “The Suite Life of Zac and Cody?”

9. Are you so bored you often find yourself wondering why DJ Lance Rock appears to have no penis while sporting his tight orange spandex? Seriously, white boys everywhere should be thanking him for debunking the myth that Black men have large you-know-whats.  C’mon Lance, give Mommy a little sumptin sumptin to look at and quit tucking and taping!

10. Can you sing at least one of the following:

a. Theme to Micky Mouse Clubhouse

b. The Potty Dance

c. The Rubber-Ducky song?

11. Do you have violent, raging thoughts when “The Fresh Beat Band” comes on?  When they are singing, do the words  “Stuff a cork in it,  F—ker!!!!s” come flying out of your mouth before you realize your kids are in the room ?

12. Do you have the sudden urge to double up on birth control or does the sight of your husbands (fertile) penis make you convulse with fear?

13. Is your nail polish chipped? Are your cuticle ragged? Is Destin under your fingernails your idea of a french manicure?

14. Do you intentionally wear your bangs long to hide the slovenly caterpillars above your eyes that were once neatly arched eyebrows ?

15. Have the words “poop” pee-pee” and “fart” become more prevalent in your vocabulary than worlds like “5 star dining”  “high-profile client” and “stockholders meeting”?

16. When planning vacation, are you less concerned with things like a swim up bar and on premise full service spa, and more concerned with  the availability/cleanliness of the kiddie pool and proximity to a theme park?

17. For working moms, when sitting in a meeting regarding the company’s annual report, is all you hear “blah blah blah” and instead you are silently praying you remembered to plug-in the crock pot?

18. Quick: Recite the number for the nearest pizza delivery. GO! Give yourself another point for each additional pizza delivery phone number you know by heart.

19. Can you sleep anywhere? And by anywhere I mean in a twin bed with a child’s toe stuck up your nostril?

20. Are the majority of your shoes less than 3 inches in height?  Be honest, how many are slip on? Be double honest, how many come from Payless?

21. Have you ever locked yourself in the bathroom to eat just so you didn’t have 5 or more grubby little fat fingers digging in and demanding you share?  Have you ever told a child that the canoli you were eating tasted like broccoli and that they would not like it?

22. When macaroni and cheese lands in your hair, do you retreat to shower immediately, or just brush it out, hoping no one notices?

23. Look at a photo of yourself before childbirth. Now look in the mirror.  Are you currently looking like a sherrif’s scared straight program “after” shot of a meth addict?

WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT PTMS?

PTMS is treatable, although most women do not see noticeable improvement until their youngest child is around 2.  The vast majority will see a 75 percent recovery by the time said child steps onto the school bus for kindergarten. Most women never fully recover from PTMS.  In the meantime, professionals have come up with  several suggestions for improvement.

1. Install  “skinny mirrors” in your house and invest in a pair of  “spanx”.  If you still do not see marked improvements, you will need to join a gym.  Just make sure its one with lots of retirees and horny old geezers, as opposed to one with “Real Housewives of OC”  look-a-likes.  The geezers, suffering from impaired eyesight will make you feel hot, and the retires might offer to babysit your kids once in a while.

2. A glass of red wine (or two or three, or four) and some dark chocolate (1/2 bag of dark Lindor truffles is the recommended dosage) are  miracle mood enhancers and are chock filled with anti-oxidants and heart benefits.  (Or at least I think that is  what it said in the “Woman’s World” magazine I was trying to read while holed up in my closet hiding from my 4 year old)

3. Bag radio Disney and find a good retro rock station.  Teach your children the words to Kiss, Whitesnake and Tesla, which will help you re-live your glory years, when you were cool, wore miniskirts with 6 inch heals, and dated bassists with long flowing hair who wrote songs for you and called you Goddess.

4. Carry a copy of the New York Times Sunday Magazine in your purse.  Take it out and hold it in front of you like you are reading it, while sitting on a bench at the park.  This serves 2 purposes:  1. You will appear to be a “in the know” hipster, cultured and well-informed (if you believe the Times sh*tty commercials, that is).  and 2. While shielding your face with said hip propaganda filled newsrag, you can take a much needed nap.

5. Schedule your husbands vasectomy. If he protests, tell your goodie bag is being held ransom until he gets one. If that doesnt work, tell him to shut the f*ck up,  turn his head and cough, and it will be over before he can say “scapula to the ball-sack”

6. Surrender. Dont sweat the small stuff like breast milk dripping down your favorite t-shirt while you wait in line to get your laptop fixed at the G-d forsaken Apple Store where there is ALWAYS a line and the teenage employees, – excuses me, – “geniuses”- stare at your saggy, wet teets  like you are a lactating freak.  Dont worry about publicly and getting caught at the parent teacher conference in  mismatched socks by the town snob/gossip. Dont sweat the small stuff!  You laid your head down on your bosses desk and fell asleep during your performance review at work? HA!  Who cares?  Laugh along the first time your toddler calls out to another child at playgroup a “Get out of my way, dickhead”, which, by the way,  you are certain she heard from her older brother!  Stick temporary fairy tattoos on your c-section pouch and use glitter sticks in your overgrown pubic region to spice up your love life! Whip up the best Gosh darned tootin Rachel Ray 30 minute meals they’ve seen this side of the potluck table!

Improvise!

Embrace!

Create!

Enjoy them while they are little!

This is your LIFE, live it, afterall (drumroll please…) IT GOES SO FAST!

And finally, the most import action you can take against PTMS:

6.  Make sure Hubs keeps that vasectomy appointment.

Thanks for reading!

On a side note, for anyone who is humorless, or with a bug up their rear, this is in NO WAY meant to mock or make fun at  Postpartum Depression, which is a serious medical condition requiring a doctors care.

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41 Responses to “Are You Suffering From Post Traumatic Motherhood Syndrome?”

  1. carldagostino March 22, 2011 at 8:52 am #

    A mother should never fret over PTMS. When you get your next Mother’s Day card in May, you will remember exactly what I mean. And when it GMS(grandma syndrome) you’ll cherish it all over again.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 23, 2011 at 6:14 pm #

      True, Carl. I look forward to being a grandma, all fun, no responsibility!

  2. chris@getrealchris March 22, 2011 at 9:59 am #

    Although I can’t relate to all of PMTS, perhaps I can wear an honorary badge as I seem to sport the required uniform on a daily basis. I think it’s time my friend for you to see about getting an agent.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 23, 2011 at 6:15 pm #

      Thank you Chris. The uniform seems to come with age, regardless of parental status, sigh! Agent? I would love one, but not sure where to begin! LOL

  3. Robyn March 22, 2011 at 10:08 am #

    I’m torn between Mover-Dave & Mover-Scott. Though if Mover-Scott would get a haircut he’d definitely pull ahead.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 23, 2011 at 6:17 pm #

      Oh Robyn, its Mover Scott hands down for me. I love his dance moves, and his hair, and his goofiness. But then again, I used to think Peter tork fromt he Monkees was the cute one as well.

      p.s. Each Rudnicki girl has her own favorite mover. Darla likes Rich. Kristin like Dave. Lilah likes knitknots (go figure)

  4. thedailydish March 22, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

    HAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHHHHHH!!!

    Best one yet (and that’s saying A LOT)

    I’m with Chris above. Baby you need to get paid for this.

    XOXO

  5. cam March 22, 2011 at 12:49 pm #

    phenomenal! really, really funny. best one to date!

  6. The Mommy March 22, 2011 at 12:55 pm #

    hmmmm…I hear ya on the Movers 🙂 Loved this post…thinking i need to see the doc answered YES to more then seven

  7. Mona March 22, 2011 at 1:09 pm #

    LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!

  8. amblerangel March 22, 2011 at 3:09 pm #

    I’m so glad the booger and Destin filled nail days are behind me. The sheer reminder makes me remember my 30’s as “My Awkward Stage”

    • livelaughloveliquor March 23, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

      Being that my children range from 19-2, I feel liek the last 20 years have been awkward years for me!

  9. She's a Maineiac March 22, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

    Hilarious!!

    I have to ask though, who the hell are the Movers?! I guess I’m old school…I had the hots for Anthony of the Wiggles. Sad, but true.

    Also, there is never a day that goes by when I don’t want to tell those perky annoying Fresh Beat Band freaks to screw off!

    And as for your wise advice #6: I am happy to say, my husband has had the scapula to the ball-sack procedure. YAY!!!

    • livelaughloveliquor March 23, 2011 at 6:22 pm #

      Oh, the Movers are really the only truly tolerable show – and only because they are cute and perky and the songs are actually ….dare I say….good. You must must must check them out on Disney chanel. They make the Wiggles look like dorks.

      p.s. I have also found myself caught wondering about the things Captain Feathersword can do with his…err…feathersword……

  10. Christine March 22, 2011 at 10:31 pm #

    LOL!!!! This is so great. I will be watching Yo Gabba Gabba in a totally different way from now on.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 23, 2011 at 6:23 pm #

      Honestly, WHERE is that man’s penis? I cant be the only one who has ever thought that…..can I?

  11. pipi March 23, 2011 at 3:53 am #

    OMG I can’t stop laughing reading this post, and I can’t get enough of it!! I love this post so much..

    • livelaughloveliquor March 23, 2011 at 6:24 pm #

      Why thank you Pipi, so glad you found me and hope you check back in form time to time!

  12. meleah rebeccah March 23, 2011 at 11:41 am #

    “a lopsided ponytail held together by a supermarket produce rubber band” – you say that like it’s a BAD thing!

    Ahahahhahahahahaa!

    I think I am still suffering from PTMS – and my son is 14!

    • livelaughloveliquor March 23, 2011 at 6:25 pm #

      Ohhhh, you have no idea how many times that thick lavender broccoli/asparagus rubber band found it’s way into my hair! and My oldest is 19, i never came up for air!

  13. The Girl from the Ghetto March 23, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

    A fabulous post!

    Sadly, I suffer from PTMS, as a stepmom. I’ve work “regualr clothes” 3 times since mid-November. Can’t remember the last time I wore make-up. Sadly, I live in pj’s and what I like to call exercise clothes.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 25, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

      I try to look at it this way: I’ve saved a TON of money in Sephora bills these last few years…….(as she said smiling, but crying on the inside….)

  14. Jackie Paulson 1966 March 24, 2011 at 11:54 pm #

    I just found your blog from the forums. It’s nice to meet you and this is such a great informative blog. I will come back.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 25, 2011 at 2:38 pm #

      Why gee, Jackie, that is so nice of you. Just dont go taking the “information” too seriously, ok? its all meant tongue in cheek. Now i’m off to check yours out!

  15. Shelly March 25, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

    OMG I love your blog, been checking back constantly to see updates, I look forward to reading it everytime I see a new entry. I even had to share your blog with a friend today as me and her relate so much to your life. You really do have true talent.

    • livelaughloveliquor March 25, 2011 at 2:39 pm #

      Shelly thank you for your kind words, and DOUBLE thank you for sharing it – truley appreciated. As moms, we have to look at the lighter side of it all, or else we will find ourselves leaping off the rooftops, right? xoxox

  16. happykidshappymom March 25, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    Thanks for the tips! It’s funny how much stuff they teach you in classes to prepare you for childbirth. They ought to be teaching you coping mechanisms for what happens after you bring baby home. That’s what REALLY makes you a mother.

  17. Unapologetically Mundane March 25, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

    I’m a friend of Dishy’s who saw you comment on one of her posts and liked your snarky name.

    I assume you’ve seen the mom jeans “SNL” sketch, but just in case, I had to share it. Love those casual pleats!

    • livelaughloveliquor March 25, 2011 at 3:45 pm #

      OMG thanks so much for sharing that, LOVED IT!!! Need to post that on my facebook…too funny! Checking u out now!

  18. amblerangel April 5, 2011 at 8:12 pm #

    Hey! I awarded you the most distinguished honor of the Versatile blogger award which of course you may accept or ignore if you wish! http://wp.me/p14vOu-MU however- I just love your hilarious blog and this particular post is one of my all time favs. Hope you get a few visitors as a result. Who knows…

  19. Janet April 6, 2011 at 8:37 am #

    You are one funny lady…you should take this show on the road–I’d be the 1st in line wearing baggy sweats and coral lipstick! Yay YOU.

  20. Tori Nelson April 7, 2011 at 11:04 am #

    Holy BoJangles! Heard about this post from Amblerangel and I love it. I found myself thinking “Oh! Me too! Me too!” about a million times while reading this 🙂

  21. Emily C October 12, 2011 at 7:05 pm #

    Sadly I do know all the words to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. This is so great and so right on!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Dancing Queen at Frankenstein’s Lab « livelaughloveliquor - May 31, 2011

    […] in her 40′s. Mom-jean capris (like me) she looks like she too has suffer the effects of PTMS.  She is old,  tired, and uncool,  and has the same pair of sensible shoes I have on, but only […]

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