Is There Anything More Perfect Than a Hot Dog by the Pool?

6 Apr
I miss the warm weather. I yearn for splashes in the kiddie pool, frolicking on the water slide, and lounging on the beach at the Jersey Shore. I pine for summer ice cream, hot dogs, and watermelon. I ache for my flip flops. 

It was that precise feeling of nostalgia for summer that caught me in a weak moment and had me agreeing to swim lessons for The Big One. She is fiercely independent, and I experienced many a test to my cardiac function last summer as I witnessed her jumping into the deep end of the pool with her swimmies wrapped around her arms, and a cheese eating grin on her face.  I know its only a matter of time before she realizes that her swimmies DO NOT MATCH her swimsuit – or worse yet- they obscure the viewing of the ruffles and princess caricature on the suit’s design.  It was time for swim lessons, and my yearnings for summer, seconded that motion.

I worried about the little one, as she is too young for instructional swim, and yet would surely want to jump in the moment it occurred to her that there was water involved and what was going down. Technically, I could take her in the adjacent pool with me, however, I really was ill prepared to meet the cellulite monster this early in the year, and the thought of taking a dip in  a chlorinated urinal with a squirming strong willed 2 year old, was not my idea of fun and games.  Upon expressing my concern at our family friendly health club, the lovely lady at the front desk suggested I could put Miss Lilah in their child watch program, while I watched Darla’s lesson.  Hmmm……I could sit by the pool with a magazine, with one child being entertained elsewhere, and the other child stuck in the pool where she could not immediately get to me? Seemed  like a no-brainer at the time.  Having just finished a very successful food detox/spring cleanse (Click HERE for more info ) I was on an optimistic Super mom high, so we signed up for  the 9 am semi-private lessons with Darla’s BFF, Emma. I figure the time frame would work perfectly, as Child Watch started at 8, I could get a work out in after, and best of all, we would avoid the notorious ‘Geezer Gang”  that frequents the gym and pool in the early morning hours.

I’m sure every gym has a “Geezer Gang” of their own, but our particular one seems to be the Regional Geriatric Headquarters for the over 70 work out crowd.  On the rare days when I’ve actually woke before the kids and headed to the gym, I noticed that I, (at 45)  was the lone freshman on the treadmill. Everywhere I looked, there were elderly, fanny pack wearing coots huffing it on the elliptical, cycling on the stationary bike, and meandering on the treadmill. A 5 lb free weight was a hotter commodity than an Autographed Ronald Regan poster at a GOP convention. Bald spots glistened as FOXNEWS took over the gym TV.

The old timers  are more clannish than a band of roving gypsies, and I quickly learned that any attempt to make light banter will result in an immediate and simultaneous dislodging of hearing aids.  Don’t DARE try to change the station to BRAVO or HGTV.  Do not put the fan on (they are always cold, even when sweating) and DO NOT play your Ipod too loud, especially if the songs are heavy on the bass. Violating any of the above sunrise gym protocols could result in you getting nailed in the head with the cane that is propped up next to the free weight station. Clearly, if you’re under 65 you are not welcomed here in the wee morning hours. It brings me right back to middle school, except the cool kids are talking about their pensions and hip replacements instead of bragging about breaking into their parents liquor cabinet and how much they love John Travolta.   The last thing  I wanted was to sit around at the gym waiting for my daughter to swim  with my nose pressed up against the glass looking in at a bunch elderly meanies, feeling like the last one picked in gym class.  Thankfully by 8 am or so, they disappear, off to consume a geriatric breakfast of champions, consisting of prune juice and bran muffins, I presume. You can see why I was so relieved to have the 9 am slot for our swim lessons.

 

We met Dana & Emma in the lobby at 8:55 am and I hurried to drop Lilah off. No can do. I was mistaken, and Child Watch started at 9am, same as the girl’s lesson. The little one is going to have to get dragged into the locker room with us.  I can only pray she won’t wander off and play ‘go fish’ in the toilet while I wrestle with Darla getting her suit on.  Dana needs to register, so I offer to take all three girls in the locker room and get them ready so we can start lessons promptly at 9 am.

The two older girls are excited, jumping up and down and telling each other about their new swimsuits.  Lilah is lolly gagging (spitefully, I presume) and looking pissed because she is now starting to realize there is fun to be had and she is going to miss it. As we scurry down the hallway to find the locker room, I am mindful of the time. Lessons aren’t cheap, and I want to make sure they get the max amount of time with the instructor, so we need to find the locker room and get changed fast. I see the door, it’s already open and we shuffle in. Lilah is, of course, bringing in the rear and starting to whine her famous anthem of “Me toooo”.

The locker room is divided into two sections, with a door between them. The entrance, or first section is for locker overflow from the main section which consists of  showers, lockers and the main changing room.  I sit them on a bench in the empty first section, thanking God that it’s vacant and there are no other distractions. Directives fly from my mouth like the good little dictator mother that I am, and I am impressed that Emma and Darla are listening so well.  I do my best to ignore Lilah’s sad little chorus of “me swimming”, throw our stuff in lockers and particularly sprint to the door of the main changing room, which leads to the pool. “Hurry up girls we can’t be late” I remind them and fling the door open.

What do my wondering eyes should appear? It’s the Male 1/2 of The Geezer Gang, as naked as Jaybirds in July.  Freshly just showered, they are standing there loud and proud, talking about World War One (or something).  Sagging pecs, swayback potbellies, tufts of white under their arms, and… and…… penises……Kibbles and bits dangling in the breeze everywhere I look. Franks and beans for everyone!. Weiner @#@$%ing schnitzel galore!! COCK a doodle doo!!!  They stop and all heads turn to stare at me and the 3 girls who are (luckily) behind me in the doorway.  My mouth gapes open as I look around (or try not to look, if you know what I mean,) I’ve entered an God-damned Oscar Meyer convention and no one is under the age of 70. Holy knockwurst, Batman, I’m in the men’s locker room! Somebody, quick, call the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, I’ve hit the jackpot! A pack of old pricks, and their old dicks! The old timers are staring at me and I am just waiting for one of them to ask me “What in tarnation is going on“? I feel Darla trying to push her way in behind me.

“S-s-s-sorry” I stammer trying really hard not to look at the pendulous geezer junk that is beckoning the eye.  Talk about kicking it old school…. “Don’t look, don’t look don’t look” I chant in my head. I can’t move. I’m mesmerized by their geriatric trouser snakes, as if it were a wind chime made of kielbasa. Really old kielbasa.

“You’re in the men’s room, young lady”, one of them growls.

Red faced and scarred for life, I turn, grab our gear out of the lockers (which I now notice,  are in fact blue) and herd the girls to the exit by the straps of their swim suits.  I’ve never seen so many wieners in one room, and I never want to again. I hear someone calling behind me.

“Miss, you forgot your bag”.

One of the old timers so graciously wrapped a towel around his midsection and came out to hand me the straw bag I must have dropped in the doorway.

“Th-thanks” I reply, trying not to look back at him.  I suddenly have  a new found understanding of the Biblical story of Lot’s wife, who was turned into a pillar of salt as she turned back to look at the debauchery occurring in Sodom and Gomorrah as she fled.

Some things a person should never ever see. Ever. I praise GOD that the girls missed the bulk of it. It’s just my luck that they couldn’t have been the afternoon crowd of hot guys in their 20’s. Figures. We practically run into Dana in the hallway on our way out to find the REAL woman’s locker room.

‘Oh good, everyone is dressed” she said smiling her bright pretty smile. She has no idea what a bullet she just dodged. I’m not sure I will ever smile again. “How was it, were they good?” she asked.

“Well, lets put it this way, remind me to never serve hotdog’s by the poolside. EVER”. I replied.

She looks at me quizzically. I’ll explain it by the pool….. once the shock wears off.  Somebody, please kick me next time I wistfully lament for summertime and hot dogs by the pool!!

Thanks for reading!

Livelaughloveliquor (c) copyright 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No reproduction in any medium without prior written consent of the author is permitted.

Edited by Annette Garkowski

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22 Responses to “Is There Anything More Perfect Than a Hot Dog by the Pool?”

  1. She's a Maineiac April 6, 2011 at 8:41 am #

    Well there’s a visual I can’t quite wrap my mind around (thankfully!) ahhhhh!!!!

  2. My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours April 6, 2011 at 9:38 am #

    Ha. “The last one picked in gym class.” Loved it.

  3. chris@getrealchris April 6, 2011 at 9:44 am #

    Ha! Funny story. Remind me to never to near the locker rooms at the Y.

  4. Michelle T April 6, 2011 at 9:48 am #

    I love how you make me laugh so hard, every.single.time!

  5. The Mommy April 6, 2011 at 9:49 am #

    Old people parts should never be seen. I have had the unfortunate experience to see them….ay, ay, ay!

  6. carldagostino April 6, 2011 at 10:51 am #

    Funny post. On serious note it is crucial for children to have those swimming lessons here in Miami Dade County. There are so many rock pits and canals and the neighbor’s pool and of course the beaches which have a powerful undertow. Far too many tragic drownings occur.which could have been avoided by swimming lessons. I’m coming up on 62 and still can’t swim. Been trying over 50 years but make sure your kids can swim.

  7. meleah rebeccah April 6, 2011 at 11:24 am #

    I will NEVER get this image out of my head:

    “Trying really hard not to look at the pendulous geezer junk that is beckoning the eye. I’m mesmerized by their geriatric trouser snakes, as if it were a wind chime made of kielbasa. Really old kielbasa.”

    AHAHHAHHAHhahhahahahahahahahhaha!

  8. thedailydish April 6, 2011 at 12:45 pm #

    HAHHAHAHHH!!
    “..pendulous geezer junk..”

    TOO FUNNY!

    Reminds me of the time I accidentally used the men’s room at Borders -thankfully, by the time I realized my mistake, and 2 men were entering the (open stall) single bathroom, I was EXITING!

    Memmmmmories!

  9. Shelly April 6, 2011 at 1:24 pm #

    OMG, that was so hilarious, I re-read each paragragh twice just to make sure I didn’t miss something funny. I am picturing it the whole time I am reading it, I go to them YMCA and can easily see myself doing this. I bet you and your friend busted out laughing the whole time swim lessons were going on and you were telling her the story. Can’t wait to see the next blog, Absolutely Amazingggggg!

  10. Jeanne April 6, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

    Christine you are funny as always!!!! That is one story I don’t want to picture in my head!!!
    At least you know what you are in for when the little ones put you in a nursing home in your old age…

  11. Lisa April 6, 2011 at 4:53 pm #

    Christine-don’t feel like the lone ranger, I did it too… My daughter and I have hit 90 percentof the Cracker Barrels on the east coast. The ladies rooms are ALWAYS to the right…. Well, we go to Disney, arriving very late at night. We were exhausted and hungry. There was a cracker Barrel just across the street from where we were staying. We run into the Ladies’ room before our dinner comes. Mybdaughter and i are in the stall when we hear the door open and a man whistling. My daughter stops peeing midstream and starts to pull up her pants without wiping… From over the top of the stall, we see a dark head of shiny pompadorish hair… Suddenly, we hear a stream hit the toilet bowl… I sheepishly say, “is this the men’s room?”. To which the surprised man confirms… I was horrified and rush my daughter out if there. We didn’t even wash our hands.. Thank goodness for hand sanitizer…. My daughter has never let me live that story down- it’s been six years now…

  12. psychowatcher April 6, 2011 at 8:44 pm #

    I was able to keep it to a slightly to-loud giggle until I read “Holy knockwurst, Batman, ”
    My co-worker now thinks I am insane as I am giggling like crazy and can not control the volume.
    Love it!

  13. ryekatcher April 7, 2011 at 5:36 am #

    LOL. You really should stay home. Now you will never get that image outa your head. Try some bleach. Ugh. So happy I wasn’t there to see all the beautiful adjectives you gave to the old men junk. The description alone was enough to make me puke.

    LOL

  14. Lisa Har April 7, 2011 at 8:11 am #

    Weiner Schnitzel now has new meaning. I won’t be able to eat that in the beer garden with out chuckling.

    “a chlorinated urinal” the little Y pool just gives me the willies just thinking about it.

    You are one funny lady. Looking forward to your next escapade.

  15. Deirdra Eden Coppel April 8, 2011 at 4:24 pm #

    I love your site and as I browsed your blog I decided to award you the Beautiful Mommy Writer Award.
    Go to http://astorybookworld.blogspot.com/p/awards.html and pick up your award.
    ~Deirdra

  16. Deborah Bryan April 13, 2011 at 3:27 pm #

    “I praise GOD that the girls missed the bulk of it.” I don’t know if this was intended as a pun or not, but it certainly made me laugh after your Oscar Mayer paragraph! I pray this kind of experience remains only in my nightmares, and occasionally in the humorous blogs I stumble across online. 😉

  17. happykidshappymom April 15, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

    FYI — I subscribed to you via WP, but then deleted it, but only because I subscribed again through my Outlook RSS feeds folder. I didn’t want you to think I had unsubscribed! I just switched how I get the feeds.

  18. Sylvia April 20, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

    I’m so glad I found your blog. I’m stopping by from the A to Z challenge and I look forward to reading more from you.

  19. Jeannetta Vivere April 22, 2011 at 7:56 pm #

    I FINALLY got to read this !!! laughing so hard, oh lordie I can imagine, I think? I didn’t realize somethings about when one gets “older”, I called my mom right up, why didn’t you tell me?

    so funny thank you so much for sharing, I put this on my FB, priceless 🙂

  20. Jeannetta Vivere April 22, 2011 at 8:08 pm #

    I mean about “us” girls !
    lol

  21. Misha April 24, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    Sounds… uhm… well… *cough cough* traumatic.

    ;-P

  22. meleah rebeccah April 26, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    Okay, I am JOANSING for a new blog post from you!

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