Liposuction for Less! Swimsuit Edition.

27 Apr

April, on the edge of May.  You know what that means, don’t you?

Swim suit shopping.

Go ahead, grab a napkin and dab away the cold sweat that just emerged from your brow.  I scream, you scream, we all had too much ice cream this winter. And no one likes a fatty in a bikini.  No one.

Yes, I dropped a few pounds recently, and yes, I’ve joined a gym and actually get there from time to time.  Yes, there are such things as “miracle suits” which market themselves as  working wonders sucking in your waistline, but alas, the instant inch you “loose” around your waist once you put it on,  flops out in the form of an extra inch in “attractive” back fat or saddle bag flab.  Even for skinny girls, swimsuit shopping is never a load of laughs.

So it was with a shuddersome trepidation that I packed up the car and headed out to THE MALL.   Although I had vowed never to brave the mall again with my ponytail posse in tow,  (mostly for fear of them recognizing us and black listing us based on our last visit Click HERE for that story) I found myself breaking out the double stroller and ready to ignite the charge cards on a swimsuit quest.  My sweet hubs, possibly the best hubs on the planet, is taking us away on a last-minute cruise for Mother’s Day.  I’m psyched and pumped (helloooooo….can you say on board drop off “kids camp?”) I flip flop between relishing in the vision of myself and hubs holding hands, smooching and sipping icy margaritas poolside, and the SOS signal my thighs are sending to my brain in distress thinking about fitting my pork butt in a swimsuit.

The girls actually love shopping (yet another sign that they are indeed their mother’s daughters) and were all jacked up about going. We’ve been working on independence skills with the big one: buckle your own car seat, put your plate in the dishwasher, wipe your own rear, that sort of thing.  She really has been super proud of her accomplishments and seems to thrive in “big girl” mode.  The little one is mastering potty training.  She does great at home, as long as her little potty is around, and we have been teaching her to use pull ups with a decent amount of success.  Armed with my can of lysol for public toilet usage, we were rip roaring and ready for anything.  As I pulled out of the driveway, I happen to notice my strange, anti-social  neighbor pulling out at the same time.  As she is backing out of her driveway, she almost hits my looser cruiser, and then has the nerve to shoot me the stink eye.  Even though I get along with most people fairly well, this one is an odd bird. “Freaking weirdo” I mutter to myself.

Like a kamikaze warrior piloting a double stroller,  the girls and I head on into the mall.  In mentally strategizing my plan of attack, I figured it was best to purchase food and beverages first (busy mouths are quiet mouths), then on to kid friendly girly girl trendy clothing store for them (upping the ante in the happiness department) and then on to the dirty business of swimsuit shopping.

First stop, Pretzel store and lemonade. Next stop, girly girl clothing store equipped with television so they can eat and watch while i shop. This worked out well, busy, happy little pigtails bobbing as they munched on their blue moon goodies and laughed at the cartoons.  I bought them darling little straw hats (with pink flowers and ribbons, of course) with matching beach bags and swim suits . no issues there,  at that age girls (thankfully) love their bodies, and they are jumping up and down with excitement over the purchases.

We browse then, window shopping Pandora bracelets, admiring the  sparkly gem adorned  sandals, and marveling at the many different shades of lipstick at Sephora.  Anything to procrasturbate what we really came for – which is the dreaded swimsuit. But alas, the snacks are long consumed they are getting antsy, and i knew it was time to pay the fiddler.  We head to big-name- department store’s torture chambers (aka dressing rooms)  filled with cellulite enhancing lighting and flaw  magnifying mirrors. I find myself envious of the Orthodox jewish women i see covered from head to toe, even at the public pool. I wonder if hubs will convert? Doubt it.

Surprisingly, I find a number of suits I actually like. Boom! Boom! Boom!  Off the rack they go and we fly into a dressing room. Its empty. They beg to stretch their little legs and they HAVE been so very good, so i agree to let them out of the stroller  if they stay with me.  They smile sweetly and agree, sitting on the bench, legs swinging, ankles adorned with ruffled socks. The little one’s lip is crusty from pretzel salt, and she gives me a comical smile.  My two cuties, I love them so much sometimes my heart hurts.

I undress and the fun begins. The havent seen me nude since the shower incident (click HERE) and so the games begin.  The little one tries to stick her fingers in the crack of my ass and is going BEEP BEEP every time she pokes me.  Clearly, she thinks my crack is some kind of cracker jack box, as she is poking and prodding as if she is looking for some kind of prize hidden in the depths of the crevice.  The big one is swatting at my breasts yelling  “Put on your booby shells!!’ (her word for bathing suit top, thanks to the Little Mermaid’s shell outfit).  Perspiring, I am struggling to pull up swimsuit expeditiously, as to stop the calamity.  The super duper lycra in the “miracle suit” is suffocating my muffin top, and I am huffing and puffing to heff that sucka up.  Honestly, miracle suits are like torture chambers, and getting them on is like trying to fit 10 lbs of baloney in a 5 lbs sack.  Try stuffing balloon with jello, and you get the idea. Still swatting little hands away,  I’m sweating, huffing and puffing, and wondering how I’d ever get it down should the need to tinkle arise once its wet post pool time.  Once I get it on, and I take a look-see in the reflective masochistic device that the department store has provided for my pain and suffering (aka, mirror) and it actually looks pretty decent.  Maybe it is a miracle. And worth the 100.00 plus price tag.

As I am taking it (peeling it) off, i see the little one squirm. “Do you need to go potty?” I ask glancing at her empty lemonade sitting in the cup holder of the stroller. “No” she says jumping off the bench and ducking behind me.

I continue the 20 minute process of extracting the extra strength steel enforced spandex, and freeing my inerds from the  liver crushing prison they are currently encased in. It’s a daunting task, but the suit looked good  so it is worth every excruciating second.  Suddenly I hear a noise. Water flowing. I know that noise. I turn around, and there is the corner, is my smiling little one.  Dora the explorer training pants at her ankles, squatting and whizzing on the dressing room floor.  The big one is laughing.  Spandex at my knees like a binding  rubber band, I am tripping over the G-d damned miracle suit tangled up in my flesh, trying to stop her.  Too late. ” I did it!!” she cried, filled with pride and glee.  Oblivious to the puddle between her ankles, she raises both hands in victory and smiles extra big and cheesily.  Standing there is disbelief, I want to laugh, but I also want to cry.  I catch a sideways glance in the mirror……what a site we are.  Me naked and tangled in as too-tight swimsuit, the big one buckled over rolling in laughter, and  the little one gloating with pride as if urination sans diaper was a sport and she is an olympic champion.  Why does this ALWAYS happen to me, and when will I learn to stay the heck home?

We gather our goods, and head out into the store.  The big one claims she “smells something” and lifts her sisters dress up, bends down and starts sniffing her sister’s rear end like a blood hound.  “Nope, no poop!” she shouts as she emerges from under the little one’s dress. People are staring. There is a line at the register and wouldn’t you know it, 2 people in front of us is the anti-social neighbor with poor driving habits and even poorer eye sight.  Darla notices too.”Hey,  look Mom, there is the WEIRDO!!!” and she points in her direction. Note to self: never mutter in front of your children. I swat her hand down and thank god the woman’s back is turned. Heads turn, and I cant help but wonder who it is that is really looking like the weirdos. I have a feeling it’s us.

We pay, ask for paper towels and clean up, and once agin wounded and battle-scarred, we head for the car. All is not lost. I found 2 semi-decent swimsuits that don’t make me look like an enormous  fat-assed sea mammal, the girls got a few cute things, and I am 90 percent sure the little one is going to kick the diaper monkey on her back very soon.  I know I will never be Claudia Shiffer in Sports Illustrated, but I wont look like Rosie O’Donell either.

Even if I have to bind myself in spleen strangling spandex to make it so.

Thanks for reading!

Copyright 2011 Livelaughloveliquor. All Rights Reserved.  No reproduction in any medium without prior written consent of the author is permitted.

Advertisements

24 Responses to “Liposuction for Less! Swimsuit Edition.”

  1. chris@getrealchris April 27, 2011 at 11:04 am #

    On the bright side, at least you got a cute suit!

  2. carldagostino April 27, 2011 at 11:14 am #

    I joined a gym. It ain’t cheap, lemme tell ya. That was 4 months ago and have not lost a pound. Do you have to go there too?

    • livelaughloveliquor May 4, 2011 at 7:13 pm #

      hahaha. Carl, i think you need to do a cartoon on that subject! Note to readers: Check out Carl’s page, you wont be sorry!

  3. meleah rebeccah April 27, 2011 at 12:11 pm #

    I am so NOT looking forward to swim suit shopping AT ALL.

    Your husband is awesome for surprising you with a cruise for Mother’s Day. That rocks!

    I have NO IDEA how you EVER go shopping with the girls. I don’t have that kind of patience. Good thing they LIKE shopping, and you know how to get them to behave. Yanno. Except for the peeing on the dressing room floor part!

    “Try stuffing balloon with jello”

    Ahahahahhaha. Isn’t THAT the truth!

    Congrats on finding TWO bathing suits!

    • livelaughloveliquor May 4, 2011 at 7:14 pm #

      Mel, You are welcome to come shop with us anytime……..I promise you’ll get material for your blog….actually- lets have your grandpa come too…can you imagine the material we’d get out of THAT experience!!

  4. Sandra April 27, 2011 at 7:27 pm #

    From now on, whenever I see someone’s crack; be it mine, yours, or anyone’s, I will think of little girls poking it saying “Beep! Beep!”
    This was so entertaining! Thank you for the laugh, I desperately needed it!

    • livelaughloveliquor May 4, 2011 at 7:15 pm #

      Kinda reminds you of that Donna Summer song “toot, too, hey beep beep!”

  5. She's a Maineiac April 27, 2011 at 8:01 pm #

    Now at least you found a suit you can live with! It was worth the peeing and the crack-poking! 😉

  6. Dishy-poo April 27, 2011 at 10:09 pm #

    I cannot WAIT until you publish your life story, so I can hold the book in my hands while laughing hysterically and not worry about having to clean up computer spray..

    I love you.

    I am so happy you have met a man who loves you for exactly who you are and wants to treat you with a cruise.

    A+++ on finding a swimsuit, cleaning up the “prize” AND being a kickass momma.

    XO

  7. acorn74 April 28, 2011 at 12:45 am #

    This description made me laugh so hard. I could relate to virtually all of it! But – you did find your swimsuits. Have fun on the cruise.

  8. The Mommy April 28, 2011 at 9:24 am #

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE reading your blog! As another commenter said…I will never look at a crack again the same without the mental “beep, beep” 🙂

    Have a great time on your cruise (so lucky)!

    Happy early Mother’s Day!

    • livelaughloveliquor May 4, 2011 at 7:18 pm #

      Happy Mothers day to you too. Hope Gloworm and the Daddy treat you right!

  9. justina April 29, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    boy, i sure wish i could have been there wih you on this excursion! xo

  10. The Logophile May 1, 2011 at 10:59 am #

    LOL. I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE 🙂 I am so happy that even after that whole adventure you were able to find a bathing suit. It looks really nice. And if you like it on it is worth all the money.

    Honestly, I am pretty jealous of your cruise but I will be happy for you anyhow- you have to put up with all the crazy stories you entertain us with and you def. deserve it.

    Have thee most awesome time. Take in every minute and try not to come back with any really crazy stories.

    • livelaughloveliquor May 4, 2011 at 7:19 pm #

      Seriously – I should not leave. Honestly!

      And didn’t you just get back from an awesome trip yourself? I was jealous of THAT!

  11. Sarah Allen May 2, 2011 at 4:39 pm #

    Ugh, I don’t even want to think about this!

    Sarah Allen
    (my creative writing blog)

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Rosie Ruffle Women Swimwear - May 6, 2011

    […] Liposuction for Less! Swimsuit Edition. « livelaughloveliquor I find myself envious of the Orthodox jewish women i see covered from head to toe, even at the public pool. I wonder if hubs will convert? Doubt it. Surprisingly, I find a number of suits I actually like. Boom! Boom! Boom! Off the rack they go and we fly into a dressing . I know I will never be Claudia Shiffer in Sports Illustrated, but I wont look like Rosie O'Donell either. Even if I have to bind myself in spleen strangling spandex to make it so. Thanks for reading! […]

  2. Bikini Shop Window Peel - May 6, 2011

    […] Liposuction for Less! Swimsuit Edition. « livelaughloveliquor We browse then, window shopping Pandora bracelets, admiring the sparkly gem adorned sandals, and marveling at the many different shades of lipstick at Sephora. Anything to procrasturbate what we really came for – which is the dreaded . As I am taking it (peeling it) off, i see the little one squirm. “Do you need to go potty?” I ask glancing at her empty lemonade sitting in the cup holder of the stroller. “No” she says jumping off the bench and ducking behind me. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: