Moms Gone Wild: The Tale of the D-list Cougars

29 Jul
I know better than to try to keep up with appearances.

Which is why I knew it was time to get away. And by ‘away’ I mean, from the kids, the Hubs, the laundry, the crazy neighbor always mowing the lawn in his satin banana sling, the other crazy neighbor who threatens to kick your a$$ if your dog craps on her lawn, etc. You get the picture, I needed a @#$ing break.

And with that, ‘Girls Weekend Away’ was born.  Myself, and two dear and trusted friends, my ‘sistas from other mistas’,  Justina and Dolly,  left it all behind and headed off as far south as you can go in NJ without leaving the state, to beautiful Cape May.  ‘Guns-N-Roses‘ played at full blast as we jumped in Justina’s other car, the one with out juice stains and ground up goldfish on the rug, which just happened to be a gorgeous convertible Porche.  We promised each other no one would yell ‘wipe my butt’ while sitting on the toilet.  No one would try to cut up anyone’s meat.  No one would steal a tube of lipstick from a mislaid purse, and smear it all over the furniture while the other two weren’t looking.  We agreed that if we had a disagreement, we would not pour a bottle of perfume over the other ones head, or throw their cell phone in the toilet, or any of the other infractions that occur in the life of a SAHM on a daily basis.  We set out to relax, have a little fun, and to feel like we were the lively, vibrant and playful girls we were before the invasion of the body snatchers childbirth occurred and our children/responsibilities sucked the life out of us.  It was our ‘Cougars Gone Wild’ weekend.  Ok, really not cougars, more like those hot sweaty caged orangutans at the zoo who pull their own fur out, but you get the point.

I’d be lying if I said the change in us didn’t happen immediately.  During our two-hour ride down the Parkway, we giggled like school girls telling secrets as we spoke of our lives before our children came along.   Nothing was off-limits: Old flames, far away travels, sexual escapades, the tales of the footloose and fancy free girls we once were flowed freely and with out judgements.  I felt myself relax, and for once, I was able to close those eyes in the back of my head and turn off my supersonic hearing.  No one kicked the back of my seat, and there was no smell of a lingering milk ridden sippy cup left baking in the sun.  Like Columbus, seeing the faint outline of land for the first time on the horizon, it was a whole new world for me.

We arrived in Cape May and naturally, hit the hotel bar for happy hour first.  After a few cocktails and some shopping (we were measured for bras, tried to find bad-ass, air brushed tattoos, and felt up a life-sized statue of a pirate located in a jewelry store) we had a light dinner (which we all ate while it was HOT I might add).  After some discussion, we agreed to go out bar hopping that night, which considering our age and the fact that none of us has been awake past 10pm since 2006 or so, was a sheer act of bravery or stupidity, your call to decide.  Forgoing our ponytails and sweatpants, we went back to the room to primp – a rare luxury these days.   We sat for a good hour, curling our hair, applying our false eyelashes (a must have for the over 40 crew) and trading more secrets of lives past lived.  My sisters in the sorority of motherhood and I laughed harder than we had in years, as we all said prayers that our eyelashes wouldn’t fall into our drinks and/or that no one would mistake us for aging transvestite with bad make up.  By this time, a few cocktails turned into a half a dozen mojitos, and we were feeling no pain.  We paused for a few “sexy vixen” type photos, as the combination of the booze, the skinny mirror in our hotel and the fact that we used actual tubes of lipstick that weren’t previously used as crayons, had us feeling really good about ourselves.

So off we set out into the streets of Cape May, hair trailing behind us as we walked, (cue Whitesnake ‘In The Still of the Night) like three low rent, misshapen, slightly drunk versions of Charlie’s Angels.  Dolly, with her gorgeous hair and sultry eyes looking like a Latina Pam Anderson….. Justina, with her beautiful sculpted features and poised grace, looking like a young Sharon Stone….. Me?  Having recently induldged in a red rinse on my hair, in my mind I was a portly version of the rock goddess Tawney Kitaine.  That is if  Tawney Kitaine had about 2 dozen skin tags, several added pounds, a spray tan gone wrong, (see pic of my feet) eyes  set too close, and a nasty keloid C-section scar.  In reality, I am sure the only thing Tawney Kitaine and I had in common was our blood alcohol content, but hey, at the time I felt good.  In other words, not like a mother.

Dreading the younger, hipper crowd, we picked a dive bar with a live band to park our butts at for the night.  The last thing we wanted to be was surrounded by a bunch of 20 somethings making out in the corner with their Abercrombie mini skirts and tight abs.  That kind of torture makes you realize the ‘before’ and ‘after’ of childbirth, which is akin to watching the stock market crash and waking up one day realizing that everything you ever had is gone.  We needed to find a place that was more of  d-list, like us.

We found a grungy little dive in the middle of town.  It wasn’t too crowded and from the street we heard the band playing ‘Gin Blossoms‘,  so we figured they had to be somewhat close to our age, and upon entering we, were right. The band was talented.  Really talented.  The singer rocked it and the music was tight.  They were however, old (like us) bloated (like us) and slight drunk (ding! ding! ding!).  For fear that their wives/mothers /daughters may read this and I will get my ass kicked, we will call the name of the band ‘Creation’ (a nod to ‘Freaks and Geeks‘ my all time favorite TV show, and if you haven’t seen it, go buy the box set RIGHT NOW, you will laugh till you pee, I promise).  As we danced and sang along, Justina and I noticed the keyboard player kept winking at Dolly.  He was cute, bright sparkly eyes, a big smile and a full head of hair (a full head of hair is really all it takes to qualify a guy as ‘hot’ after 40)  Like 3rd graders, we kept nudging and teasing Dolly that he was looking at her.  We were having a ball, and after shaking our middle-aged asses for the entire 40 minute set, we were happy to sit down when the band took a break.

“Whew”,  Justina flopped down in the booth across from Dolly and I.  “That was fun”.  Justina showed that dance floor who is boss.  She claims dancing is not her thing, but I disagree, she totally kicked it.

” I wish I knew how to play music, it must be so amazing to be in a band.”  Dolly sighed wistfully.

“Me too.” I nodded in agreement.  “I wonder if these guys are looking for a back up triangle player??…….I play a mean wicked triangle,”  I joked.

“Do you girls have any talent?  Justina asks us .  A serious question.

Dolly, too humble to ever admit she is great with hair or is a terrific cook, shakes her head ‘no’.  I am thinking that if wiping butts and getting ground up chocolate chips out of upholstery is a talent, then why yes, I am talented.  I don’t know if it was the liquor talking, or wishful thinking, but I had to say it.  In a deadpan voice, straight face, I replied;

“Why yes.  I am very talented at giving Philateo”!

The girls and I bust out screaming laughing.  Apparently overheard by the old geezer who just happened to be passing by, an eldery poor old goat swings his head over to us, stumbles and almost drops his drink.

Face red, I look up at him mortified, smile meekly and say “It was just a joke…..sorry you had to hear that. ”

He composes himself, chuckles, and says something about ‘heart attack’  followed by ‘in my dreams’. He introduces himself and says his name is Mac.  He is 72 years old and is a widow.  He is balding, stumpy and has a too broad smile revealing yellow corn cob teeth.  He’s got NY attitude (love it) and reminds me of a kinder, gentler Frank Costanza, (Seinfeld).  He sits down and starts telling us about his life.  His wife died 7 years ago, he tries to get out and stay active, and sailed down to Jersey Shore from Manhattan on his boat for the weekend.  He has a hearty laugh and was cracking corny old timer type jokes strictly for our benefit, but his eyes shaded a hint of loneliness. From the way he spoke, it was clear he missed his wife.  We adored him.  He sweetly said he hoped our husbands knew how lucky they are, and jokingly asked if a rich old coot from the city was enough of an incentive to leave them. We laughed along with him and gave him fatherly hugs as he bid us a goodnight and moved along to the back of the bar.  The entire time he was sitting with us, I saw the keyboard player eyeballing Dolly like she was the last drink in the desert.  Justina decided a round of drinks were in order, and went to the bar to get them.

As Justina flagged down the bartender and demanded extra mint in our mojitos, I see the keyboard player and the butterball guitarist whispering to each other.  Suddenly they turn and make their move.  Like hawks, they swoop down and sit at the table across from us.

“Hi”,  the keyboardist says, mostly to Dolly.  “I’m Mike. Are you girls enjoying the music?”  Sitting across from him, I notice he is SHORT.  Real short.  Like ‘Lollypop Guild’ short. I’m half expecting him to break out and sing the Oompa Loopma song.

“I’m Van”.  The guitarist says to me. Dark hair, dough faced with horn rimmed glasses, he looks like a grown up Harry Potter…that is if Harry Potter had bourbon on his breath and a huge beer gut.  Put a guitar in most guys hands, and his attractiveness/ coolness factor amps up about 10 points. This guy? Total dork, Les Paul, or no Les Paul.

We introduce ourselves and tell them that we are indeed enjoying the music.  For some reason, I call upon my inner Catholic Nun, and tell them Dolly’s name is Maria and mine is Katherine.  Sister Maria and Sister Katherine.  I’m kidding, of course, and they know it.  They turn out to be really nice guys, and we chat with them for about 15 minutes or so, and notice Justina (aka ‘Sister Jessica’)  is chatting with Mac again.  She is laughing really hard and looks like she is having fun.  I’m jealous – Mac could have totally showed Shorty-McShortpants and Hogswarts Harry what cool actually is.  I notice Shortstuff is getting touchy feely with Dolly, and she looks uncomfortable.  Van just asked me if I play music or have any talents, and this time it was me who choked on my drink because I automatically feel embarrassed and wonder if he heard our previous conversation.  I tell him I like to write and leave it at that.  He asks me what song I want to hear.  I tell him to play anything by ‘Journey’ for me.  I look over and it looks like Shorty is about to lick Dolly’s arm, so I get up, announce that I had to use the lady’s room, and Dolly has her period,(she didn’t) so she has to come with me. ( WTF was I thinking, that didn’t even make sense)?  Dolly is stifling a laugh as we get up and move towards Justina and Mac.  Justina tells us that Mac offered to ‘go kick some ass’ on our behalf, and that even though he may look old, he is actually a yellow belt in karate.  Shiver me timbers, Mac, you gotta love a 72-year-old gangsta.

The band starts playing again, and its ‘Anyway You Want  It ‘ by Journey.  Van scans the crowd, finds me and points.  I smile and wave.  Another creep comes by our table, a weird assed motherf*cker with a profound overbite and a muddy pair of Keds on his feet (err….from burying bodies, perhaps?).  He is socially weird, sleezy and I didn’t want to stare,  but I *think* he may have had a hard on.  He is buzzing around like a fly and wont take a hint.  I finally tell him we have to go now, and when he demands to know why,  I blurt out, ” Because Justina has a headache”, (true),  Dolly has her period(untrue, why do I keep saying that)?, and I am in sex rehab (untrue, sex withdrawal is more like it) and married to an ex professional wrestler who will rearrange your face (snort!) if he sees you talking to me.”  We leave him with his mouth hanging agape and sashay out the door howling with laughter.  A true ‘Depends’ moment. At our age and the rate we were laughing we are lucky no one peed themselves.  Three tipsy, cooped up, moms away for the first time in years, we were not yet ready for bed, despite the fact that it was 2 am. We decided to walk around and see what was open.  We were subsequently called ‘cougars’ by two 26 year olds, who then claimed we must not like men, after we rejected their advances.  We got busted by the po-po (police), who came and kicked us off the beach when we went for a moonlight walk.  We managed to find a pizza parlor open at 3 am and scarfed down as much pizza as our intestinal crushing spanx would allow.  It took all our strength to refrain from chucking the left over pizza crusts at the buff 20 somethings in mini skirts.  We tried to find a t-shirt place that was open so the girls could make me a ‘I (almost) F*cked Harry Potter ‘ T-shirt.  We cackled and laughed, and our when our fake eyelashes started to droop we knew it was time to go retreat back to our room.

As we flopped into bed, we giggled and whispered, reliving the sheer fun and the joy that being unencumbered has on a woman’s soul.  It was like a middle school slumber party, except we all felt a little nausea from the booze and pizza, and at our age, all insisted on flossing our teeth.  All three of us love being a mom, and are more in tune with our children than most mothers I know.  We take motherhood seriously and give ourselves completely to our families. We all have fantastic partners who are great fathers and amazing husbands… but damn….it sure felt good to be young again, to be free, and to be hit on. That night took 5 years off my age, I felt young again, and for the first time in years, I felt FUN.

None of us wanted the night to end, but it did. One by one, we drifted off to sleep with smiles on our faces and garlic on our breaths.  We went home to our Hubs and kids,  feeling refreshed and alive again, receiving big sloppy kisses and about 1,000 hugs as we walked in the door.  Being in my Hubs’es arms again was so comforting, and although I had a great weekend, there is no place else I’d rather be. I know Dolly and Justina felt the same. I couldn’t help thinking of Mac and the look in his eye when he spoke of his beloved who had passed on. I held Hubs extra close that night.

Two days later we were still hung over, but baby, it was worth it.

Click HERE to see the pics from the trip.

Thanks for reading! And as always, thank you for sharing my blog with other d-list cougars!! xoxoxox

Copyright 2011 Livelaughloveliquor. All Rights Reserved.  No reproduction in any medium without prior written consent of the author is permitted.

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40 Responses to “Moms Gone Wild: The Tale of the D-list Cougars”

  1. Get Real Chris July 29, 2011 at 9:06 am #

    Hilarious! You go girl.

    • livelaughloveliquor July 30, 2011 at 8:30 pm #

      I missed you like crazy on this trip, so next year, I will drag you by the hair whether you like it or not, you are coming!:-)

  2. Allison July 29, 2011 at 9:46 am #

    Tears from laughing so hard! You are three beautiful, vibrant, hilarious women and I am cracking up! Po-Po! I (almost) f*cked Harry Potter! OMG! ♥

  3. Michelle T July 29, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    Love it! So glad you were able to be kid-free and feel “younger” (by the way you’re not old) again. Some day I want to go to Cape May! Sounds like so much fun!

    • livelaughloveliquor July 30, 2011 at 8:29 pm #

      Next year, you get your butt on the plane, or buckle up and hop in a car, cause you need to come with us!

  4. Renee Mason July 29, 2011 at 11:07 am #

    Loved this, and you really have to get that tshirt made up!!

    • livelaughloveliquor July 30, 2011 at 8:28 pm #

      I really have to. And I will wear it to “back to school night” …..LOL

  5. susielindau July 29, 2011 at 1:22 pm #

    Sounds like a fun night! I can relate. it never takes long to unwind with great friends!!

    • livelaughloveliquor July 30, 2011 at 8:27 pm #

      Susie, its very true, and good girlfriends are the key to sanity and the only thing that keeps me afloat sometimes!

  6. Deborah the Closet Monster July 29, 2011 at 2:51 pm #

    Those forays away are so important to remembering how good it is that they’re just that: forays! What a trip to get to enjoy this ride with you. 😀

    • livelaughloveliquor July 30, 2011 at 8:26 pm #

      Deb, its so true. Life is too hard to take things seriously all the time, right?

  7. ournote2self July 29, 2011 at 3:16 pm #

    Sounds like you ladies had a fun weekend away. That’s great. All mother’s need a girls weekend every now and again. 🙂

    • livelaughloveliquor July 30, 2011 at 8:26 pm #

      AMEN TO THAT! It should be mandatory along with monthly massages and liposuction after our 2nd child!

  8. acorn74 July 29, 2011 at 6:39 pm #

    Loved this account of your night out (and the pictures are great, too). I’m sending this link to my girlfriends with the instructions “GET READY!”

  9. meleah rebeccah July 29, 2011 at 7:49 pm #

    I’m so happy you got to take that much-needed break. And now, I think I should plan my OWN girls-get-away. Hopefully, I will have 1/2 as much fun as you did!

    • livelaughloveliquor July 30, 2011 at 8:23 pm #

      DOOOOOOO ITTTTT!!! Something tells me you are just as much fun, plus you rock those pajama jeans so i know you got cougar blood in you.

  10. thedailydish July 29, 2011 at 9:13 pm #

    There is nothing like a get-away — and nothing like coming home.

    So happy you had a blast C – you deserve it.

    Now, off to see the pix!

    XO

  11. elroyjones July 29, 2011 at 10:48 pm #

    Young again just for a night…. It’s always nice to find the you, you used to know. Home is where your heart is.

    • livelaughloveliquor July 30, 2011 at 8:20 pm #

      Thanks. That “you” was buried since i had my kids, so it was really great to be able to just r-e-l-a-x and kick it old school with my homies again. (cue beastie boys mucis, LOL)

  12. Cathi Loh July 30, 2011 at 4:45 pm #

    great story. thanks for the read!!

    • livelaughloveliquor July 30, 2011 at 8:18 pm #

      Thanks Cathi….were you ever in Cape May? I love it there! You should come next time we go – although I know its a hike for you now, LOL

  13. Renee July 30, 2011 at 11:57 pm #

    so funny- I felt like I was there with you! its always refreshing to get away with good friends.

  14. The Girl from the Ghetto August 3, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

    Oh, how i love living vicariously through you. I need a girls weekend in the worst way!

    Glad you had fun!

  15. Deep as a Birdbath August 11, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    Super funny, Tawney. I read this in the library–bad idea. The jerky Library Guard (he does exist) kept cruising by, trying keep me under control. Punk.

  16. zomelie August 11, 2011 at 3:24 pm #

    ‘Hot sweaty caged orangutans at the zoo who pull their own fur out’ do need to get out.

    Sounds like it was fun!

  17. Patricia DeWit August 11, 2011 at 6:51 pm #

    You are a great writer. This kind of funny is not easy, but man, that weekend lent itself to a great story. Glad I came by to read.

  18. veronica lee August 14, 2011 at 11:33 am #

    Hi! Stopping by from MBC. Great blog!
    Have a nice day!

  19. veronica lee August 20, 2011 at 8:42 am #

    LOL!! Love this post!!

    Have a wonderful weekend!

  20. elroyjones August 31, 2011 at 7:54 pm #

    Know you’re busy, miss your wild irreverent humor, hope you all managed to get through Irene w/o injury.

    • livelaughloveliquor September 4, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

      Thank you – struggling to get thru a bit of a personal crisis now – will publish soon. xoxoxox

  21. The Girl from the Ghetto September 4, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

    Girl, where you been?

    • livelaughloveliquor September 4, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

      I’ll publish tomorrow or the next day, my friend. – been a tad blue. thanks for noticing- love you xoxoxo p.s. thank you for the boxed lunch giveaway – we loved them!

  22. The Good Greatsby September 6, 2011 at 3:05 am #

    Hilarious post! It’s amazing how different we instantly feel and act the second we’re on vacation and away from the spouse and kids.

  23. wordsfallfrommyeyes October 6, 2011 at 7:18 am #

    This is just great – what a tale. An absolutely scream. You’ve really made me laugh 🙂

  24. life is a bowl of kibble October 29, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

    I so love girls weekend!

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