5 Easy Steps for a Happier Holiday: A Mother’s Survival Guide.

29 Nov

Does the monotony of life have you down this holiday season? Does all that black Friday shopping make you feel as if you lost your merry mojo? Are you fighting off urges to beat the crap out of the woman who took the last Leapfrog Leappad at ToysRus or flip the bird to the Salvation Army Santa outside of Target? Does it feel like your inner child a nothing but a wretched brat with a lump of coal stuck in her diaper? Holidays shmolidays, Bah humbug.  Life sucks. Fear not, my friends, happiness is but a stone’s throw away.  I too, suffered from a joy deficiency in my life this holiday season, until I discovered a few simple back-to basics principles to ramp up my fun factor and overall happiness. Now I know what you are thinking, and no, I’m not talking about re discovering  my g-spot or a super sized jug of spiced rum, (well, maybe the rum) but with the help of some everyday items and the right attitude, you too, can find sunshine,  glee, and holiday cheer.  You don’t need Dale Carnegie,  screw him.  EST sucks, and is for losers. Why pay all that money for some a-hole to tell you to find your center, blah blah blah.  I got ya covered, ladies.  Follow these 5 proven methods, and you’ll be whistling ‘Jingle Bells’ out of your sphincter in no time!

Five  Secrets to a Happier You this Holiday Season

 1.  Positive Affirmations and Gratitude:  Nothing is more powerful than a ‘can do’ attitude. Positive affirmations are the key to being in a desired situation/mindset, and which are repeated in order to impress the subconscious mind and trigger it into positive thoughts. This requires the affirmations to be repeated with passion, conviction, interest and desire. They usually start with I AM or I WILL.  We all have things we are good at right? Or maybe we WANT to a possess a particular personality trait. Affirmations are the key to true happiness with one’s self. Find value in what you do. Find something positive that defines you, and you will find happiness.  For example, I am a stay at home mom with a few pounds to lose, who rarely has time for make up and festive primping. I rarely get compliments, and my contributions to the family are never tangible. My value comes from within, and from the things I do for my children.  So, for example, after my daughter came down with a particularly vicious stomach bug just in time to ruin our Thanksgiving celebration, I needed to find the bright side of it all.  During one of about 6659 visits to the commode, she told me in the purest sincerity “Mommy, you’re a really good butt wiper”.  Wow! Now THOSE my friends, are some powerful words.  And to think I’ve sometimes doubted my butt wiping abilities!! Doubt no more.  Desperate times, call for desperate measures, and I will take what little flattery I can get and run with it. Now imagine me, upon waking, rising to the mirror, and like a phoenix from the ashes (asses?) repeating in the mirror loudly, with passion, conviction, interest, and desire that “I AM A GOOD BUTT WIPER!!!”  State it! Say it! Own it! How could you not feel happy after that? If that doesn’t warm the cockles of every mother’s heart, I sure don’t know what will. You can bet your last case of Charmin that this Thanksgiving I was thankful for being a great butt wiper.

2. Primp Before you Shop:  Crowds, crowds, everywhere. Pushing, shoving, grabbing for the last 2 dollar iPhone cover, fighting over parking spaces, it’s all too much.  You’re run down, and feeling like a holiday hag.  To make matters worse, you’re starting to realize you don’t turn heads any longer and are feeling invisible to the opposite sex. Youve gone from MILF to ZILCH. Here is a little secret from one has-been to the next, a little magic formula for some public attention: Sequins and fake eyelashes are my kryptonite against the holiday doll drums. In fact, truth be told, I can’t afford the liposuction or Botox it would take to restore me back to my glory days, so a 5 dollar pair of drug store lashes and a beat up sequin tank top from my disco nights will have to do, in order to amp up my joy factor. Nuttin’ says ‘she got her sexy back’ like showing up at Walmart with synthetic hair glued on the lids of your eyes, a push up bra, and some sequins! I promise you, you will feel like a million bucks on rollback prices when all eyes are upon you. And if all eyes are upon you the other shoppers are distracted  so you have a better chance of scoring that limited quantity obscenely large HDTV Flat screen LCD on blue light special. Joy to the world!! And if you are still not sold on eyelashes and sequins, consider this: Have you ever seen an unhappy trannie?   I didn’t think so, case closed!

3. KISSmas Carols Verses Christmas Carols: Have you ever been stuck in traffic with a car full of kids after a 6 hour stint at the mall which included waiting in line to see an inebriated fat man in a germ speckled santa suit? Cranky and jacked up on candy canes, the kids are whining for your attention in the back seat. French fries are flying, someone just nailed you in the head with a milk shake, and you KNOW there is nothing happy about a G-Damned happy meal.  Every station is playing the same lame Christmas carols over and over and the kids decide to have a contest to see who can sing along the loudest. You love them but at this point, hog tying them with mistletoe and using a Xmas ornament as a ball gag seems like a terrific idea. It’s enough to make even Mother Teresa want to spike her eggnog, and you find yourself wishing that the bar at Applebees had a drive thru. Want the answer to get the merry-making peanut gallery to STFU thus making yourself incredibly joyful? You do? GREAT! Now go get yourself a KISS album on CD. Any one will do, but my personal recommendation is “Destroyer”.  When the back seat b.s. starts up, turn off the lite fm Xmas b.s.,  insert the KISS CD and CRANK. IT. UP.  Blast out the backseat buggers and all their needless singing! Your children will be scared shitless at the surprise guitar rifts and the rockin’ tunes, and as an added bonus, you will look like a badass to passing motorist! Tap into the power of Gene Simmons this holiday season, and you are guaranteed a silent night!

4. A Touch of Elfin’ Magic :  Never, ever, underestimate the power of Elfin’ Magic (also known as Unbridled Holiday F*ckery) in your quest for a happier holiday.  Elfin’ Magic comes in many forms, and depending on your level of creativity, does not take a tremendous amount of time, money or energy to execute.  Let’s say, for example, your obnoxious, neighbor conveniently looks the other way when  his dog craps on your yard, instead of his. You’ve spoken to him about it to no avail.  An example of Elfin’ f*ckery, hypothetically speaking, of course, would be to collect a week or two’s worth of turds and let them ripen in your shed in a plastic bag. After they have had a chance to properly ferment, deposit them in a Macy’s box (NOTE: rubber gloves recommended),  careful gift wrap said turds, and leave them on his doorstep! Happy Crappy Holidays, Mr. Jones!  Or say you have a holy rolling, hypocritical, bloated, red-faced, good ole boy, perverted boss who secretly glances at your breasts, makes vomit inducing innuendos, and makes you feel like you never want to have sex ever again. Ever. He leers at you while showcasing pictures of his fat angry wife and their six sweaty children on his desk like a shrine to fidelity, meanwhile, he checks out your ass every chance he gets. A man like this is a prime candidate for Elfin Magic. A fine example would be to would be to go online and sign him up for a gift subscription for a hardcore fetish magazine and sign  it, ‘Love, Santa’.  Now sit back, and watch the holiday magic in the mailroom, once his first copy of ‘Anal Fun Magazine’ arrives just in time for Christmas! Or perhaps you are wondering what to get your sadistic old uncle that used purposely pinch your cheeks until you bruised and gave you a pair of diabetic socks for your 8th birthday? Summon up your inner elf and buy him that hot pink neon “GYM, TAN, LAUNDRY” sweatshirt and some leopard print stretchie pants! He will be the belle of the nursing home! Elfin Magic – doesn’t it just make you  smile?   (Warning, use Elfin Magic sparingly and deservingly, or you may find a lump of coal in your stocking)

5. Booze: Dont be afraid to dive into the holiday punch bowl at the office Xmas party.  Spike the eggnog and slip santa a mickey! Seriously, when life hands you a bowl of lemons, grab the tequila and some salt. Drink up, santa’s helpers! Nothing wrong with a little tidings of Southern Comfort and joy! Happiness is just a shot glass away……..or at least until the next family photo card shoot.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Festivus, and thanks for reading! And a special big fat thank you to all who repost this on facebook, forward via email and tweet! Cheers!

Yes, those really are my kids, and no, I didn’t stage it that way.


Advertisements

10 Responses to “5 Easy Steps for a Happier Holiday: A Mother’s Survival Guide.”

  1. Michelle November 29, 2011 at 1:41 pm #

    So glad you posted, I needed a good laugh today! Miss you and love you. x

  2. Sue M November 29, 2011 at 4:09 pm #

    Loving #4… That almost sounds like a great potential concierge service for someone to provide, to even further separate one from “the crime”. Pranks ‘R Us 🙂

  3. Steve November 30, 2011 at 1:17 pm #

    Never thought I’d read the same blog as my wife! But I love your take on her side of things, great writing !!

  4. She's a Maineiac November 30, 2011 at 7:57 pm #

    Hilarious as always.

    And fine, I’ll say it…I’ll scream it even, “I am a good butt wiper!!” There! Now where’s that margarita?!

  5. Renee Mason December 1, 2011 at 8:50 am #

    My funny bone always does a little jig of anticipation when I see a new post of yours in my inbox, but I was concerned in point #1 about your seemingly serious tone. Um, I thought, she must be in a very reflective mood today, with the positive affirmations and all. But, once again, you didn’t disappoint. Unhappy trannie? Applebee’s had a drive thru? and my absolute favorite was every word of Elfin Magic.

    You are one hysterical chica!

  6. elroyjones December 1, 2011 at 9:05 pm #

    Funny! Santa looks like he could use a little toddy for the body too.

  7. meleah rebeccah December 3, 2011 at 4:50 pm #

    1. You’re awesome Butt-Wiper!

    2. “Sequins and fake eyelashes” Okay, I am totally getting some of those. Because I could early use a lift.

    3. Scaring the shit out of your kids with the KISS CD is making me laugh, hysterically.

    4. And I am DYING over the dog shit in a Macy’s gift box.

    5. I’ve already been abusing the booze this season. I highly recommend.

    Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Festivus, to you and your family!
    xoxox

  8. Dana December 4, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

    Love it. Especially the positive affirmations. “I AM A GREAT BUTT WIPER”… maybe you need to make yourself a T-shirt with this on it. You can pick up the iron-on letters at Wal-Mart whilst wearing your fake eyelashes and sequins. 🙂

  9. Allison December 4, 2011 at 7:06 pm #

    This just cracks me the hell up every single time I read it! I had to pin that pic to my Pinterest – it is so hilarious and must be shared!

  10. sweetridgesisters December 16, 2011 at 8:19 am #

    That picture is just beyond fantastic. -kate

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: