A Year of Blogging: By the Numbers.

19 Jan

As I approached my one year “Blogiversary”  I thought back to the beginning, and all the unknowns I had when starting my blog.

Will people read it?

Will I make myself look like an idiot/mental patient/unfit mother when I put myself out there?

Will I get paid?

How often do I do it?

Will I get writers block?

Will I suck?

So many doubts and fears, I put off blogging for years. I admit I get so caught up in WHAT I am writing I overlook small details like spelling, typos and grammar (In my defense, I am either writing with someone singing  Katy Perry songs directly into my eardrum, or I am writing at 10pm when my brain power is on E-M-P-T-Y.)  It wasn’t until after I got comfortable “putting myself out there” on Facebook, and having many people suggest I “write this stuff down” that I actually grew a pair and tossed my hat into the blogosphere. Once I started blogging, I had so many people say to me ‘I always wanted to do that’ followed by several questions. So in the spirit of arm-chair bloggers everywhere, I decided to answer the most common questions I get regarding blogging, for my one year blogiversary.

HOW DID YOU GET STARTED BLOGGING?

WordPress makes it super simple. A basic blog is free, and there are a ton of choices as far as your design, color scheme, etc goes. You can track your stats, where your hits come from, search engine terms, how many hits, comments etc you get and from where. I pay roughly 12 bucks a year for my own domain name, but you don’t even have to do that.

WHY DID YOU START BLOGGING?

Two main reasons:

1. I am an older mom (45 soon to be 46) I wanted to document my daughter’s childhood should something happen to me.  My biggest fear in life is leaving them motherless.

2.  I love to write and needed to have a reason to feel like I am accomplishing something. I am a stay at home mom, so there is not much tangible I accomplish. Laundry? There is a new pile every day. Dinner? Once cooked, is eaten. Cleaning? Once the house is tidied up, it takes 60 seconds to trash it again. Blogging makes me feel like I have a tangible purpose.

WHAT ABOUT COMMENTS? DO YOU EVER GET NEGATIVE FEEDBACK?

According to WordPress I’ve had 813 comments as of today. Of 813 comments I had two that were negative, both on THIS post. One was from a girl named Shannon, whom I knew from an online infertility support group I had belonged to for 5 years. I had no idea she did not like me, but her comment was really funny. I’ll share it with you, just for sh_ts and giggles:

This is the worst blog entry I have ever read, the first words out of my mouth were “what the hell is wrong with this woman?!?” You and your terrible parenting is the reason that we have shows like Teen Mom and awful girls like Snookie ruling the airwaves.

Why in the world would you encourage your four year old daughter to “strut her stuff” and “put her moves on”? She is not the trouble here, you are.

Here’s a tip your daughter is not going to be the next big star. I am sure you dream at night of her growing up in the footsteps of Lindsey Lohan, partying and being famous. -She won’t, more than likely at this rate with your lack of parenting and strong values she will wind up on a pole, probably addicted to something and trying to make ends meet with all the kids she has to take care of at home. Sorry for the harsh dose of reality but you need to seriously rethink your parenting and turn this around before it is too late.”

I sent Shannon a nice reply to the email address she left me, offering to pay for the surgery to extract the bug out of her rear end, but the email bounced back. Shannon, if you are reading this, the offer still stands.

The other negative comment I got was a similar “I would never raise my daughter that way”.  I suspect from the IP address it was a fang toothed girl I knew in my hometown, but I may be wrong about that.  The other 811 comments I have gotten were great, and I really feel like I have made friends with many other bloggers and readers.

DO YOU GET PAID TO BLOG?

I do not, but I have had offers. I have had several people contact me asking to pay me (via paypal) if I would plug their product, or insert their link in my blog post. It’s a personal decision, but  I want my blog to be fun, a place you can commiserate with me,  laugh at my expense, or even just relive the days when your kids were young. I appreciate my readers and don’t want to inundate them with information on liposuction, online gambling, and the likes. Maybe one day I will write a book and make money but for now, I’m free and easy.

DO YOU ADVERTISE YOUR BLOG?

Nope. I post the link on Facebook. I’m so blessed and lucky to have the best readers in the world who repost and share with their friends. The most popular post was THIS ONE with a surprising 160 people sharing on Facebook. That really blew me away! On average, I get about 120 shares per post. I can not see WHO shared, just how many.

HAVE YOU EVER MADE ‘FRESHLY PRESSED’?

FP is WordPress’es high honor.Tthey share the link to your blog on their homepage, which is totally awesome and allows you to get upwards of 10,000 hits in one day. I have never made FP. I don’t think I am short or sweet enough for them. 🙂 I have, however made the list of “WordPress’es Fastest Growing Blogs”  TWICE in 2011. Once in February, and once in April.

and the big question……..

HOW MANY HITS DO YOU GET TO YOUR BLOG?

I have had close to 25,000 page views on my blog in one year. I post maybe 2 times a month. My most popular post was THIS ONE which has 3,234 views alone.  My busiest day was July 28, where I got 638 page views in one day.

HOW MANY SUBSCRIBERS DO YOU HAVE?

About 160 via WordPress and another 297 follow me on Facebook.

HOW DO OTHER PEOPLE FIND YOUR BLOG?

People have found me through other blogger’s, by forwarding my links via email and Facebook, and of course….search engines. The number one search engine term that caused people to find me (266 times) was “Moms gone wild”. Googling my blog name came in second with 162 views, and “mom jeans” earned me 67 page views. Having a blog has made me realize how many freakish perverts there are googling odd things out in cyberspace.  “Little girls ruffled panties” earned four hits (sickos) and the bizarre “the cockadoodle doo liked pink bananas and chunky boogers” earned 2 views. W….T…..F?  The number one photo that was viewed (163 times) on my blog was THIS one. I’m not sure why, other than perhaps folks wanted to take a good hard gander of my poor Hubs, who faithfully puts up with me.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE POST?

“Two Teens Two Tots……” because I relive it and laugh every time I read it. But I am curious, tell me readers, what was yours? 

WHAT DO YOU LIKE BEST ABOUT BLOGGING? 

I’ve made great friends and connections. I’ve been asked to participate in an ebook. And believe it or not, I have actually been “recognized’ by someone I did not know in Shoprite because of it. (Actually, I think she heard me screaming the girl’s names, and recognized them).

And now for the giveaway! I have this FAB “”Live Laugh Love Liquor” t-shirt up for grabs. It’s a ladies size large, so it is perfect for knocking around braless at walmart, sleeping in (ooo lala, sexy) or lining your birdcage with! How to win it?

1. LIKE me on FACEBOOK. and then…..

2. SHARE MY LINK ON FACEBOOK  See button below or copy the link to your favorite post and share it. Every friend of yours who also “LIKES” me will count as an extra entry. (make sure they write on my wall and tell me that you sent them)

Leave me a comment here letting me know you did so! I will pick the winner by feb. 1, 2011 via random.org

Lastly, I would like to thank you for reading. I know I say this every post, but I really really mean it. I appreciate every one of you (well, maybe not Shannon or snaggle tooth) and feel so grateful for the chance to connect,  share my stories, and hear yours every time you comment or Facebook me. I love you guys and THANK YOU for making me feel like something more than a snot encrusted glorified butt wiper!. xoxoxoxo

A Barbie Birthday Party (Photos)

15 Jan

I know, I know, I’ve been MIA.  I have lots to blog about but time runs short, so for now I thought I would share some pics of the girls latest birthday party.

The girls started out using their gift certificate from Aunt Diana to “The Sweet and Sassy Salon”  specializing in little girls and their curls. They got a glittery up-do, nails polished and make up.

Darla getting her nails done

Delilah getting her hair done

Then we came home and decorated. Our theme was vintage Barbie:

We used alot of pink, black and white. I desperately tried to hide the ugly billiard light over the table with pink paper plates.

The tables. This room is actually my hub’s basement “man cave” home theater. Sadly, it has seen more action used as a kid’s party room!

I used decorative packing tape found in a craft store and a hand made label to make pretty hand sanitizer.

Duct Tape (also found in a craft store) around water bottles. (peel off label first)

The favors were “cupcakes in a jar”.  Cut a cup cake in 1/2. Put bottom in jar, pipe icing over, put top in jar, pipe icing. Tie with pink and white bakers twine and a wooden spoon. Simple, cheap and pretty.

A closer shot of the cup cakes. The black and white french scroll table runner is actually wrapping paper.

Instead of a birthday cake, I made cupcakes. Less mess and no utensils required, thus assuring no one stabs each other with a fork or something.  I bought the Barbie head cut outs HERE and then glued them to punched out card stock (punches avail. in craft store) I inverted champagne glasses to make a fancy stand.

Barbie head cut outs placed on dollar store plates. Looks like a million bucks, but was cheap!

Balloons found at local party store.

I used a cupcake paper to top a balloon and hang from ceiling.

The sign, using stick on letters, decorative packing tape  and cut outs.

Our guest finally came! Let the good times roll!

And so did the FUNBUS!

On the bus with their BFFs.

Sister love. (for a change)

After an hour of jumping around and going nuts in the bus, it was time to eat!

And twirl

And mug for the camera

Delilah loves Justina but for some reason she kept putting her hand out.

Nom nom nom…..pizza!

Singing happy Birthday!

Myself and Delilah. I look like a fat albino chipmunk, but what the hell do you want from me, I pulled this party off in under 2 weeks.

Afterwards, they went upstairs into their fun-room to play and burn off the sugar. I’m happy to report I waited until then to have my 1st glass of wine….I’m such a good mom:-)

more fun-room fun.

The Party is over! I survived and they had fun. Now for the mess……

Thanks for looking!

COMING SOON: My 1 year blogaversary is coming up and I will write all about it later this week and have a little giveaway. I also am working on a ‘real’ blog entry about our trip to FLA. and hub’s experience on the plane with the 2 girls in tow.

I’m Dreaming of a White (trash) Christmas……

12 Dec

Are you dreaming of a white Christmas? How about a white trash Christmas? How about a lite Christmas?

Driving through a neighboring town, we happened to stumble upon this lil’ beauty, and figured it was just too good not to share.  Luckily we were on the way home from a Christmas party, so I had my camera with me…..a Christmas miracle, perhaps?

HO! HO! HO! Cheers my friends!

Thanks for stopping by!

Copyright Livelaughloveliquor

A Picture = 1,000 Words

7 Dec

I figured I’d jump on the “Wordless Wednesday” band wagon.  And honestly, this says it all……

Now if only they could read.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Thanks for stopping by!

*A special THANK YOU to my friend Heidi Burgener for the usage of the sign.

5 Easy Steps for a Happier Holiday: A Mother’s Survival Guide.

29 Nov

Does the monotony of life have you down this holiday season? Does all that black Friday shopping make you feel as if you lost your merry mojo? Are you fighting off urges to beat the crap out of the woman who took the last Leapfrog Leappad at ToysRus or flip the bird to the Salvation Army Santa outside of Target? Does it feel like your inner child a nothing but a wretched brat with a lump of coal stuck in her diaper? Holidays shmolidays, Bah humbug.  Life sucks. Fear not, my friends, happiness is but a stone’s throw away.  I too, suffered from a joy deficiency in my life this holiday season, until I discovered a few simple back-to basics principles to ramp up my fun factor and overall happiness. Now I know what you are thinking, and no, I’m not talking about re discovering  my g-spot or a super sized jug of spiced rum, (well, maybe the rum) but with the help of some everyday items and the right attitude, you too, can find sunshine,  glee, and holiday cheer.  You don’t need Dale Carnegie,  screw him.  EST sucks, and is for losers. Why pay all that money for some a-hole to tell you to find your center, blah blah blah.  I got ya covered, ladies.  Follow these 5 proven methods, and you’ll be whistling ‘Jingle Bells’ out of your sphincter in no time!

Five  Secrets to a Happier You this Holiday Season

 1.  Positive Affirmations and Gratitude:  Nothing is more powerful than a ‘can do’ attitude. Positive affirmations are the key to being in a desired situation/mindset, and which are repeated in order to impress the subconscious mind and trigger it into positive thoughts. This requires the affirmations to be repeated with passion, conviction, interest and desire. They usually start with I AM or I WILL.  We all have things we are good at right? Or maybe we WANT to a possess a particular personality trait. Affirmations are the key to true happiness with one’s self. Find value in what you do. Find something positive that defines you, and you will find happiness.  For example, I am a stay at home mom with a few pounds to lose, who rarely has time for make up and festive primping. I rarely get compliments, and my contributions to the family are never tangible. My value comes from within, and from the things I do for my children.  So, for example, after my daughter came down with a particularly vicious stomach bug just in time to ruin our Thanksgiving celebration, I needed to find the bright side of it all.  During one of about 6659 visits to the commode, she told me in the purest sincerity “Mommy, you’re a really good butt wiper”.  Wow! Now THOSE my friends, are some powerful words.  And to think I’ve sometimes doubted my butt wiping abilities!! Doubt no more.  Desperate times, call for desperate measures, and I will take what little flattery I can get and run with it. Now imagine me, upon waking, rising to the mirror, and like a phoenix from the ashes (asses?) repeating in the mirror loudly, with passion, conviction, interest, and desire that “I AM A GOOD BUTT WIPER!!!”  State it! Say it! Own it! How could you not feel happy after that? If that doesn’t warm the cockles of every mother’s heart, I sure don’t know what will. You can bet your last case of Charmin that this Thanksgiving I was thankful for being a great butt wiper.

2. Primp Before you Shop:  Crowds, crowds, everywhere. Pushing, shoving, grabbing for the last 2 dollar iPhone cover, fighting over parking spaces, it’s all too much.  You’re run down, and feeling like a holiday hag.  To make matters worse, you’re starting to realize you don’t turn heads any longer and are feeling invisible to the opposite sex. Youve gone from MILF to ZILCH. Here is a little secret from one has-been to the next, a little magic formula for some public attention: Sequins and fake eyelashes are my kryptonite against the holiday doll drums. In fact, truth be told, I can’t afford the liposuction or Botox it would take to restore me back to my glory days, so a 5 dollar pair of drug store lashes and a beat up sequin tank top from my disco nights will have to do, in order to amp up my joy factor. Nuttin’ says ‘she got her sexy back’ like showing up at Walmart with synthetic hair glued on the lids of your eyes, a push up bra, and some sequins! I promise you, you will feel like a million bucks on rollback prices when all eyes are upon you. And if all eyes are upon you the other shoppers are distracted  so you have a better chance of scoring that limited quantity obscenely large HDTV Flat screen LCD on blue light special. Joy to the world!! And if you are still not sold on eyelashes and sequins, consider this: Have you ever seen an unhappy trannie?   I didn’t think so, case closed!

3. KISSmas Carols Verses Christmas Carols: Have you ever been stuck in traffic with a car full of kids after a 6 hour stint at the mall which included waiting in line to see an inebriated fat man in a germ speckled santa suit? Cranky and jacked up on candy canes, the kids are whining for your attention in the back seat. French fries are flying, someone just nailed you in the head with a milk shake, and you KNOW there is nothing happy about a G-Damned happy meal.  Every station is playing the same lame Christmas carols over and over and the kids decide to have a contest to see who can sing along the loudest. You love them but at this point, hog tying them with mistletoe and using a Xmas ornament as a ball gag seems like a terrific idea. It’s enough to make even Mother Teresa want to spike her eggnog, and you find yourself wishing that the bar at Applebees had a drive thru. Want the answer to get the merry-making peanut gallery to STFU thus making yourself incredibly joyful? You do? GREAT! Now go get yourself a KISS album on CD. Any one will do, but my personal recommendation is “Destroyer”.  When the back seat b.s. starts up, turn off the lite fm Xmas b.s.,  insert the KISS CD and CRANK. IT. UP.  Blast out the backseat buggers and all their needless singing! Your children will be scared shitless at the surprise guitar rifts and the rockin’ tunes, and as an added bonus, you will look like a badass to passing motorist! Tap into the power of Gene Simmons this holiday season, and you are guaranteed a silent night!

4. A Touch of Elfin’ Magic :  Never, ever, underestimate the power of Elfin’ Magic (also known as Unbridled Holiday F*ckery) in your quest for a happier holiday.  Elfin’ Magic comes in many forms, and depending on your level of creativity, does not take a tremendous amount of time, money or energy to execute.  Let’s say, for example, your obnoxious, neighbor conveniently looks the other way when  his dog craps on your yard, instead of his. You’ve spoken to him about it to no avail.  An example of Elfin’ f*ckery, hypothetically speaking, of course, would be to collect a week or two’s worth of turds and let them ripen in your shed in a plastic bag. After they have had a chance to properly ferment, deposit them in a Macy’s box (NOTE: rubber gloves recommended),  careful gift wrap said turds, and leave them on his doorstep! Happy Crappy Holidays, Mr. Jones!  Or say you have a holy rolling, hypocritical, bloated, red-faced, good ole boy, perverted boss who secretly glances at your breasts, makes vomit inducing innuendos, and makes you feel like you never want to have sex ever again. Ever. He leers at you while showcasing pictures of his fat angry wife and their six sweaty children on his desk like a shrine to fidelity, meanwhile, he checks out your ass every chance he gets. A man like this is a prime candidate for Elfin Magic. A fine example would be to would be to go online and sign him up for a gift subscription for a hardcore fetish magazine and sign  it, ‘Love, Santa’.  Now sit back, and watch the holiday magic in the mailroom, once his first copy of ‘Anal Fun Magazine’ arrives just in time for Christmas! Or perhaps you are wondering what to get your sadistic old uncle that used purposely pinch your cheeks until you bruised and gave you a pair of diabetic socks for your 8th birthday? Summon up your inner elf and buy him that hot pink neon “GYM, TAN, LAUNDRY” sweatshirt and some leopard print stretchie pants! He will be the belle of the nursing home! Elfin Magic – doesn’t it just make you  smile?   (Warning, use Elfin Magic sparingly and deservingly, or you may find a lump of coal in your stocking)

5. Booze: Dont be afraid to dive into the holiday punch bowl at the office Xmas party.  Spike the eggnog and slip santa a mickey! Seriously, when life hands you a bowl of lemons, grab the tequila and some salt. Drink up, santa’s helpers! Nothing wrong with a little tidings of Southern Comfort and joy! Happiness is just a shot glass away……..or at least until the next family photo card shoot.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Festivus, and thanks for reading! And a special big fat thank you to all who repost this on facebook, forward via email and tweet! Cheers!

Yes, those really are my kids, and no, I didn’t stage it that way.


It’s Nice to Share…..

13 Oct

Which is why I want to share this link to my dear friend Allison’s blog. Click HERE, you wont regret it. She is one of my favorite sources of inspiration. She turned 45 today and has a great perspective on the trials and tribulations of life, purpose, and happiness.  Plus, she is a kick ass writer who published a kick ass book. And she is gorgeous, (like Christy Turlington’s younger sister), lives a fabulous life in NYC (with a hairless cat named piggy in a tree house) and is engaged to a man who adores the shit out of her (who she knew back when we were in high school and recently rekindled the flame).  I know, I know, sounds like someone you’d like to  ‘accidentally’ trip and see fall flat on her perfect little cellulite-free butt,  right? Nope. It’s really really hard not to love her.  I do, and I am betting you will find meaning in her words, and fall in love with her beautiful spirit too. Enjoy!

I’ll be posting a new entry about my “day off” soon.

xoxoxox

xoxoxoxo

The Lipstick Larcenist Revealed! (an answer to the poll question!)

29 Sep

Thanks to all who voted in my poll regarding the “Lipstick Larcenist'”.  (If you missed it, click HERE. ) Sadly, she struck again while seated in a dark movie theater today, fetching my tube of “Mad for Mauve” out of my purse while I was consoling the other one, who was crying over the untimely death of Simba’s father Mustafa, during the Lion King. (Thanks, Disney. I am sure there will be a sleepless night filled with night terrors staring hyenas, wildebeest stampedes, and jungle fires in my immediate future.)

Anyway, this time I was crafty enough to snap a picture of the culprit, who in addition to her lips, adorned her neck, fingers and my trousers with said grease paint.  So, without further ado, The Maybelline Marauder is none other than………….

The Little One! Delilah!

Thanks for voting!

Copyright 2011 Livelaughloveliquor. All Rights Reserved.  No reproduction in any medium without prior written consent of the author is permitted.